There is little use in comparing Steve Martin’s Pink Panther to Peter Sellers’ character, introduced to the live-action movie world in 1963. The 2006 version is based only loosely on the original films, it’s more of an update on the series, a sort of modern remake in the form of a prequel, and starring one of today’s best movie comedians. It’s a relief to see that Steve Martin doesn’t try to imitate Peter Sellers in his performance, because Martin himself is a bigger actor than the part of Inspector Clouseau, and indeed at times he seems like he’s playing down to the character.

The movie takes place before the original 1963 film, with Inspector Clouseau chosen from his obscure position by the Chief Inspector of the French Police, Inspector Dreyfus (Kevin Kline) to investigate the incredibly daring murder of the French soccer team’s coach and the theft of the massive Pink Panther diamond. It was a highly publicized crime, having taken place at the moment of victory in the nationally televised soccer game against China (during which not a single Chinese player could be seen anywhere on the field), so Dreyfus is under massive public scrutiny in his investigation.

His plan – choose the most incompetent Inspector he can find, a village idiot, if you will, and assign him to the case. As he stumbles about his investigation, unwittingly making a fool of himself before the nation’s tv cameras, Dreyfus will be conducting the real investigation. When he succeeds, he can shame Clouseau publicly while taking credit for solving the case himself. Sounds like a fun guy!

Inspector Clouseau, reporting for duty.

I have to admit that I was a little put off by pretty much all of the ingredients in the movie. I can easily imagine a lot of French discontent (among others) about a lot of American actors in a film as French as this one, although it’s true that as a parody it does have it’s amusing moments. Characters that are centered around goofy accents get real old real quick, and Martin’s massacre of the French language isn’t really any exception. There isn’t one funny moment that I can think of, although I did grin a couple times.

Worst of all for me was Beyonce. As far as the movie being peppered with American actors, I don’t have a real problem with that, because it’s pretty clear that they are all having a lot of fun with their roles, and I have to admit that it’s not hard to have fun along with them.

Jean Reno as Inspector Ponton, Steve Martin as Inspector Clouseau, and Beyonce as Beyonce.

But they are all in the movie and very deeply in character. Even European actor Jean Reno, who has one of the only serious roles in the movie, is playing a character. Beyonce, on the other hand, stars as herself, and even gives a stage performance as herself.

Unfortuantely, Beyonce does nothing for me, in movies or music or tabloids or anything else. She is wildly out of place in this movie, even though the script calls for the murdered French soccer coach to be dating a pop star who will fall under suspicion for his murder. She makes no effort to ever be anything other than herself in the movie, and she ultimately comes off as little more than a distraction from the rest of the movie. I suppose if I was more into her music I might have appreciated her presence here more, but on the other hand it seems that her fans would, during her performance scene, forget that they were even watching a comedy and just watch it like a concert video.

Inspector Clouseau puzzled by raining bicycles.

Martin’s Clouseau is sufficiently incompetent, but his Mr. Magoo-ish clumsiness and overwhelming ability to screw up any situation imaginable wears thin a little too fast. It will not be far into the movie that you can just see screenwriter’s sitting around trying to think of what stupid thing he can do next. Not everything is unamusing, of course. There is a scene involving a giant globe that Clouseau accidentally sends clanking down the stairs and down the street that got me pretty good. I don’t know what it is, but something about someone absent-mindedly fiddling with something and all but destroying it never fails to amuse me (see the scene in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation where Clark’s cousin Eddie tries to spin the propellers on one of Clark’s Christmas decorations).

The out of control electronic hospital bed, an ancient sight gag that may very well never have ever been funny. Ever.

Also, the recurring motifs of French bicyclists being in the wrong place at the wrong time

has some good moments, if not the most clever ones. They are the comedy equivalent of the screeching cat scare, but they are not unwelcome.

Unfortunately, the main reason that the cheap slapstick laughs are not unwelcome is because so much of the rest of the comedy in the movie is undeniably stale. It’s a slapstick comedy with a cast of actors that are better than the material, which is why it’s so hard to accept Steve Martin, a clearly talented and intelligent comedian, as Inspector Clouseau, who is a moron of tremendous caliber. There is an amusing appearance of Clive Owen as 006 (in a scene that would have taken on a whole new meaning had Owen been selected to replace Pierce Brosnan as the new James Bond, which sadly he wasn’t), but the majority of the movie just seems to be packed with too many jokes that just aren’t funny.

The Bean Meter

2 Beans out of 5.