The 2010’s are the new 1980’s! ‘The Expendables’ Review

Dolph Lundgren's telling description of The Expendables: "An old school, kick-ass action movie where people are fighting with knives and shooting at each other." Seriously, what else do you need to hear?

I can only begin to imagine Sylvester Stallone's relief as the glowing reviews have started pouring in about The Expendables, which might be the single most anticipated movie of this year. In fact, I don't think he's had this much pressure on him since he gave us a sequel to the groundbreaking Rocky in 1979. A lengthy string of hit and misses led to a noticeable lag in his career around the turn of the century, but then he decided to come out with the definitive conclusions to both his Rocky and Rambo series'. Both times, you may remember, he was derided left and right for being too old, and both times he proved everyone wrong.

Now he's back with a movie that's a deliberate throwback to the high-octane/low-intelligence action movies of the 80's, and ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to tell you that the man has done it again. Say what you will about Judge Dredd or Daylight, Stallone has paid his dues and earned his respect. The man's a pretty amazing filmmaker, I don't care what anyone says.

Having amassed basically every relevant name in the entire action genre (in fact, it's interesting to consider when, with each new contract signed, well-established stars started applying for auditions to get in on the action), Stallone once again takes on writing and directing responsibilities and once again delivers a movie overflowing with pure, unfiltered badassedness. And the fact that it's stars have more than a century of combined ass-kicking experience doesn't hurt much, either.

And it's just as brutally violent and bloody as it's core audience demands, which is one of my favorite things about it. Imagine what a train wreck it would have been if he had watered it down to appeal to a wider audience! I shudder to think about it, although it might be the worst date movie since Fight Club, so be advised.

The story is the movie's glaring weak point, but when you have arguably the greatest cast of action stars in film history - even when most of them are well beyond their prime - , such things are, as they say, beside the point. Nevertheless, here it is -

An island country in South America is being brutalized by it's corrupt leader, who routinely terrorizes and murders his own people. The jury is still out on whether it's his lack of humanity or his crazy hot daughter that inspired a group of American badasses to swoop in and save the day, but regardless, his antics have angered the wrong group of people.

Stallone plays the curiously named Barney Ross (Barney? Really?), the leader of the Expendables, which include the also cleverly named Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Ying Yang (Jet Li), Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), and, I kid you not, Tool (Mickey Rourke).

I'm curious to know who it was that was brave enough to approach Mickey Rourke himself and ask him to play a character named Tool, but no matter. Suffice it to say that each character has his own weapon of specialty (kind of like how the Ninja Turtles used to, except with more tattoos and chiseled features and less cheesy latex costumes) and that the sheer manliness of the thing will quite literally overflow into your lap as you sit there in the theater. I could have done without the serious turn that the movie mistakenly takes in the second half, but the rest of the movie is so much fun that it more than makes up for this ham-handed message about salvation.

But the movie is all about the cast. There were some marketing tricks pulled to make us think that certain people would be in the movie much more than they actually were, but to see all of these seasoned action veterans on screen together is pleasure all by itself. I'm more than wiling to forgive the recycled story about mercenaries when so many of my past favorites are back on the big screen, and a lot of the performances are outstanding.

Mickey Rourke, in particular, steals every scene he's in and effortlessly nails a monologue that only a handful of other actors alive could pull off. You'll know it when you see it, trust me. And Stallone knows better than to do anything but roll the camera and let the man work. This is why I love the movies.

Note: Sylvester Stallone broke his neck while filming the fight scene with Steve Austin! Also, and maybe more amazingly, Kurt Russell was offered a role in the movie but turned it down because he's "not interested in ensemble acting at the moment," and Jean Claude Van-Damme turned down a role because - wait for it - there wasn't enough substance to his character! Classic!

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