Hollywood is so into biopics, it’s a wonder there’s anyone left to make a biopic about. There’s a built-in appeal to watching a famous person play another famous person ― it’s fame squared!
Of course, the quality of a biopic depends on a lot of factors. Currently in theaters, we can see one of the most esteemed actors of all time, Daniel Day-Lewis, playing history’s most beloved president, Abraham Lincoln ― a role for which he very well may win an Oscar. Then again, there’s also Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor in Liz & Dick, a role that was… um, less acclaimed.
In addition to those, this year alone, we’ve seen Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin and two separate Alfred Hitchock biopics. Upcoming biopics will feature Naomi Watts as Princess Diana and Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs. Certainly these are notable figures, yet not every star-on-star pairing is a match made in heaven. If Lifetime decides to capitalize on the (atrocious) buzz surrounding Liz & Dick and keep churning out these splashy biopics, they'll need to scrape the bottom of the celebrity barrel to find a star who hasn’t been played before.
Here are our suggestions for Lifetime biopics that should never happen ― (but we’d totally watch if they did).
Biopic Subject 1: BRANGELINA
What’s the Liz & Dick-style romance of the 2000s? It’s gotta be Brangelina, who also had a famous on-screen/off-screen fling that left Jennifer Aniston in the dust (just like Liz and Dick’s spouses at the time). Zac may be a little young to take on Brad Pitt circa 2005, but hey, so too was Lindsay when she played Elizabeth Taylor in her mid-fifties. We just hope Megan is okay working with child actors. A lot of child actors.
Biopic Subject 2: ANNA NICOLE SMITH
To Be Played By: Christina Aguilera
Sad but true ― biopics tend to work best when the celebrity is no longer with us, perhaps because then no one feels bad about sensationalizing their lives and/or totally trashing them. The tragic life of Anna Nicole Smith has already been made into one terrible and little-seen biopic, and it’s about become another one from ― you guessed it! ―Lifetime. Agnes Bruckner snagged the lead, but given her recent weight gain and her look in the “Your Body” video, we think Xtina would be a much more buzz-worthy choice.
Biopic Subject 3: MEL GIBSON
To Be Played By: Charlie Sheen
Lilo was cast as Elizabeth Taylor because their lives in the limelight were so similarly controversial, supposedly. If that’s the Lifetime formula, then no one can do Mel Gibson’s racist, misogynist meltdown better than Charlie Sheen. The script for Liz & Dick was a letdown, but with Charlie as Mel, you wouldn’t need one ― just turn the camera on and let that tiger’s blood-fueled magic happen.
Biopic Subject 4: THE OBAMAS
Let’s set aside the fact that neither Jay-Z nor Beyonce look at all like Barack or Michelle. (Appearances don’t tend to deter stunt casting, anyway.) How amazing would it be to see the first couple of music playing the First Couple of the White House? Since the couples are friendly, Hova and Bey would have plenty to draw from. Bonus: Blue Ivy could cameo as a young Sasha or Malia.
Biopic Subject 5: BRITNEY
To Be Played By: Honey Boo Boo
Honey Boo Boo has a few years yet before she’s ready to play Britney Spears, but the similarities are striking. They’re both from the south and rose to stardom at an early age, capturing the attention of the nation. It’s too early to tell whether or not Alana can pull of Brit Brit’s ultra-sexy bubblegum pop years, but we can practically already see her shaving her head and giving a listless “Gimme More” performance at the VMA’s. And really, isn’t that the part we’d want to see, anyway?
Biopic Subject 6: RIHANNA & CHRIS BROWN
Another doomed love affair between two famous people. We have a feeling there’s still more to this story that’ll play out (unfortunately), so this biopic may have to wait until we’re sure this couple is done. (Sooner, rather than later, we hope.) By the time it's ready, we think Willow and Jaden Smith would each be perfect to play Breezy and Ri Ri. (Yes, we are aware how creepy that'd be.)
Biopic Subject 7: LINDSAY LOHAN
To Be Played By: Amanda Bynes
Celebrities are rarely played by a star who’s on their level ― usually it’s more like the C-list version of that star. Enter Amanda Bynes, who has had all the messiness of Lindsay Lohan’s dramatic life without quite attracting the same level of scrutiny. If Amanda shows up drunk to set, crashes her car, or gets arrested, all the better! She can just chalk it up to “method acting.”
Biopic Subject 8: AMANDA BYNES
To Be Played By: Lindsay Lohan
Like we said, usually the subject of the biopic is a bigger star than the actress playing her. But after Liz & Dick, Lindsay will be lucky if she can even get a role in a Lifetime movie. And how great would it be to air a Lindsay-as-Amanda, Amanda-as-Lindsay marathon back-to-back?
Biopic Subject 9: N*SYNC & THE BACKSTREET BOYS
We’re not sure either of these bands needs a biopic of their own, but what about one that chronicled both their rises to superstardom in the late 90’s / early 2000’s? 1D would probably be The Backstreet Boys and The Wanted could take 'N Sync, even though there's a lack of enough blondes in the new boy bands to make casting easy. (Niall is totally Nick Carter, though.) Both bands would have to adopt American accents to play their pre-millennial counterparts, but how much swooning would happen if 1D were to cover "I Want It That Way"?
Biopic Subject 10: MERYL STREEP
To Be Played By: Paris Hilton
Elizabeth Taylor is one of the greatest screen legends of all time. Yet Lindsay Lohan was cast to play her ― a starlet better known for her scandalous headlines than any of her movie roles. So to play the greatest actress working today, why not follow suit and go with Paris Hilton? Then we could see Paris Hilton playing Meryl Streep playing Karen Silkwood, Julia Child, Margaret Thatcher, and so on… who knows? Maybe Paris Hilton would be an excellent Meryl Streep. Maybe she’s just as good an actress as Meryl!
Which star do you want to see a bad biopic of? Let us know in the comments!
(Photos Courtesy of Fameflynet.)