All this talk about the apocalypse being nigh ― but what if it’s already here?
The Mayans once predicted that December 21, 2012 would be the end of us. But all they really needed to was read our list of 2012’s worst blunders to tell you that! There’s no way Earth can keep on turning with the level of havoc our own celebrities have wrought. Day in and day out, their shenanigans torment us in the headlines, and we’re beginning to suspect that Judgment Day has been in the works for a long time… the stars are slowly killing us!
Here are 13 ways we think celebrities might bring about the apocalypse today.
This is the way the world ends... not with a bang, but with: "A dolla makes me holla, honey boo boo!"
1. Lindsay Lohan
Virtually every day, the troubled starlet makes headlines. Late to set, exhaustion, fist fight, car accident, drug use, cops called, desecration of Elizabeth Taylor’s legacy, blah blah blah. Sometimes we even pity her!
But what if she’s just doing it on purpose? What if LiLo is just pure evil? What if she’s trying to get us so desensitized to her scandals that we barely bat an eye when she builds a giant laser meant to destroy us all? We’ll just be like, “Oh, that crazy Lindsay, punching out security guards, stealing diamonds to power her death ray again. Yawn.” We’ll never know what hit us!
2. Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift writes sad breakup songs to distract us from the truth ― she’s trying to date us all to death. Starting with the world’s most famous and powerful men and working her way down, she is charming and then dumping us all, so that someday in the near future, our hearts will collectively break, and that’s the end.
It would explain her sudden obsession with Red — the color of anger... and blood. We won’t feel sorry for you any longer, demon spawn!
3. Chris Brown & Rihanna
We’re upset that Chris Brown is still famous. We’re upset that Rihanna spends so much time with him. We’re upset that he gets nominated for Grammys, that he stills sells hundreds of thousands of copies of his albums, and that he has gone unpunished for a variety of different crimes against humanity and good taste. We’re so upset that our blood pressure is skyrocketing!
Someday, we’re going to be upset with him we’ll all have heart attacks, and Chris Brown and Rihanna will dance on our graves, dressed as terorrists, and finally their love really will be “Nobody’s Business.” Because there’ll be nobody left.
4. Kim Kardashian
You know how Kim has political ambitions? And a lot of followers on Twitter? Well, there is a day in the not-too-distant future where the person with the most Twitter followers is just automatically made leader, and then we’ll be “keeping up” with President Kim Kardashian. And despite her claims that she’s a “business woman,” we suspect that if there’s a nuclear war or alien invasion, Kim will be way out of her depths, and we’ll all go the way of Mercy.
5. Amanda Bynes
Suspended license from a DUI or no, we fully expect Amanda to knock back a fifth of vodka tonight, get behind the wheel, and run over every single person on Earth.
6. Brad Pitt
Brad Pitt movies bombing at the box office? Pensive commercials starring Brad that are laughable instead of sexy? Surely these are the signs of end times! A giant cloud of Chanel wafting over the world will suffocate us all while we sleep. (But at least we’ll smell nice.)
7. Charlie Sheen
What if Angus T. Jones was right? What if Two And A Half Men really is the work of the devil ― and what if the devil is Charlie Sheen himself? What other being but Satan could possibly claim to be fueled by tiger’s blood, or claim warlock-like powers? Think about it ― it makes perfect sense!
In Hell, there is only one television show, playing endlessly. And yes, it is on CBS.
Having already expressed a desire to kill Americans, PSY is clearly one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Expect to see him and three others doing that infernal horse dance, riding your way sometime this afternoon.
9. Justin Bieber
So we’re all just hanging out, listening to “Boyfriend,” when suddenly we start to feel a little clammy. Sweaty palms. A little shortness of breath, our throat is closing… we feel our forehead, and we’re burning up!
Joke’s on us, guys ― Bieber Fever is real. It's wildly contagious. And it has a 100% rate of fatality.
10. Tom Cruise & John Travolta
“NOW who’s a nutcase?” snicker Tom Cruise and John Travolta, as they fly away from Earth in their private plane spaceships to join their Scientology god Xenu in its destruction of us non-believers. (You may better know Xenu by its TV personality nickname: Honey Boo Boo.)
11. Britney Spears
“Keep on dancing until the world ends!” Britney will command. And because she’s Britney, we’ll do it. (Britney, however, will watch while seated in a chair, eating from a bag of Cheetos, because she doesn’t so much like exerting herself anymore.)
12. Lana Del Rey
Ever wondered how those beestung lips got so beestung? Furious at being made a laughingstock regarding that fateful SNL appearance, Lana will pop open her ginormous lips and unleash a swarm of killer bees to end us all. (Get it? They’re her apoca-lips!)
13. Ryan Gosling
Surely no creature this beautiful could exist on Earth. We must have died and gone to Heaven already! All Ryan needs to do is walk into a room, say “Hey, girl,” (or boy ― let’s face it, no one can resist), and the world is his to do what he will. (Which hopefully involves some sort of slavery…)
Which celebrity apocalypse would you prefer?
Photos Courtesy of Fameflynet