Yesterday was a day of giving, of kindness, of family togetherness. A day on which loves ones bestow on us items they hope we'll cherish and enjoy.
Today is the day we take that stuff back to the store and get what we really wanted.
So why should we approach Hollywood any differently? As 2012 comes to a close (minus the apocalypse — thanks for nothing, Mayans!), we're taking stock of everything Hollywood gifted us this year, and deciding whether to bury it at the back of our closet, exchange it, or maybe re-gift it next year.
Here are the Top 10 items we'd like to return this year!
1. John Travolta & Olivia Newton John's Christmas album
John and Olivia cooing come-ons to each other might've been cute when they were in high school. (Okay, pushing 30, but pretending to be 17.) But does anyone want to hear these two purr about snuggling up together in "Baby It's Cold Outside" now that they're just about 60? (Not after watching this video, at least.)
Return Option: Perhaps we can exchange this for a more 2013-appropriate teen dream duo. Hey, why hasn't Haylor made a Christmas album yet?
2. Jessica Simpson's baby
Omigod, didn't we just go through this? We're not sure we can handle another year of Jessica's baby bump being everywhere, and all the inevitable media hype it will bring. We don't mean to deny Jessica's family their happiness, but...
Return Option: Let's re-gift this for next year, when we've had some more time off from Jessica's joy bundles.
3. Bai Ling, Christmas tree ornament
For the innovative family looking to try something new this holiday season, there's always Bai Ling, peeking out from the pines! What better way to terrify your friends and loved ones, and make everyone shudder like they're caught in a December blizzard?
Return Option: We would like to exchange this for Charlie Brown's Christmas tree, which is so small and bereft of branches that we know no Bai Lings are hiding in there, just waiting to pop out and give us a heart attack.
4. Miley Cyrus' leopard print onesie
We do enjoy Miley's goofy sense of humor, and this picture with sister Noah is pretty cute. But what's the deal with those PJs? Leopard print, really? We sure hope Liam Hemsworth wasn't around to wake up to that. Please don't go all Kardashian on us, Miley. We like you just the way you are.
Return Option: We would like to keep our old Miley Version 2.0. No upgrade necessary.
5. Parental Guidance
Let's see, in theaters for the holidays we've got Les Miserables, Django Unchained, Silver Linings Playbook, This Is 40, Jack Reacher, The Guilt Trip, The Hobbit... and Parental Guidance, starring Bette Midler and Billy Crystal? Nice try, Twentieth Century Fox! We would not guide our parents to this family "comedy" under any circumstances. In fact, we will guide them away, toward something much better.
Return Option: One for Silver Linings Playbook, please.
6. Heidi Klum on Santa's lap
Heidi, looking almost unrecognizeably mom-ish, perched atop Santa's lap just makes us a little sad. We know she's on the rebound after splitting from Seal, and though she still looks fabulous, at this age it's just a bit depressing that she has to resort to sitting on Santa's lap to ask for a new man in her life. (Or maybe she's ready to be the next Mrs. Claus? With that accent, she could totally make it work.)
Return Option: We'll trade this in for some sexy pics of Heidi at her Victoria's Secret best.
7. Jodie Marsh's Santa Claus bikini
We imagine the British reality star/model/bodybuilder thought that this festive bikini would help us get into the holiday spirit. Well, Jodie's got the "ho, ho, ho" down, and she's bested the real Santa Claus by displaying two large sacks that we can only assume are full of children's toys.
Return Option: Let's just shove it down the garbage disposal and pretend it never happened.
8. Mariah Carey's "All I Wanted For Christmas Is You"
We love you, Mariah, and yours is surely the definitive Christmas song of the past few decades. But since we know people who've been playing it since October, it's time to give this one a rest for another ten months.
Return Option: Clearly this will be re-gifted back to us next holiday season.
9. Kardashian Glow
Did Kourtney Kardashian seriously try to pimp her line of bronzing products on Christmas? "I hope everyone is having a great holiday season and enjoying a nice, relaxing tan! #KardashianGlow," she tweeted. Because this isn't the season of family togetherness... it's the season of getting your pasty ass a Kardashian-hued sheen in the dead of winter at any cost! No, Kourtney, no one who is not a Kardashian is "enjoying a nice, relaxing tan" right now. We're eating, and freezing, and watching TV.
Return Option: Can we just get cash back for this please?
10. Bryan Cranston's handerpants
Tightie-whities for your hands? Why not? "My favorite present this year. Handerpants! The perfect gift for Walter White. (Thanks Chase) Merry Christmas everyone," the Breaking Bad star tweeted.
Return Option: Actually... these are pretty awesome. Keeping 'em!
Which celebrity item do you want to exchange this year?
Photos via Twitter and Fameflynet