Well, we’re less than one month into the new year, and already we have to chalk 2013 up to a crushing disappointment.
Oh, sure, it’s a little early for that. January tends to be a slow month, entertainment-wise, in the interim between the holidays and awards season. So we could be optimistic about the next eleven months. And sure, they probably hold something worth looking forward to.
But today Michelle Williams dealt us a painful blow by counteracting those rumors that Destiny’s Child would reunite at the Super Bowl. It left us with a sting that was surprising but also familiar, because we’ve felt this wave of disappointment too many times already this year. And it's only January! Athletes have had us hanging our heads in shame ― Lance Armstrong's doping, Manti Te’o's fake dead girlfriend ― and the entertainment world hasn’t been much kinder.
Grab a box of tissues and your comfort food of choice, because we’re about to wallow in the misery of the 7 Greatest Disappointments of 2013 (so far).
7. Beyonce Lip-Synced The Inauguration
We know, we know ― you’re tired of hearing about this, and so are we. That's why we're getting it out of the way right off the bat. But seriously, we expect a lot of the Queen Bey, and this little stunt put her in the same league as Ashlee Simpson. Sooo not acceptable. And since we can all agree that Beyonce is generally flawless, the fact that she appears on this list twice doesn’t bode well for her in 2013 (not to mention that her husband is here, too). Let’s just hope her upcoming HBO doc fares a little better...
6. Movie 43 Sucks.
(Like, really sucks.)
It's no surprise that a comedy released in January isn't any good. But Movie 43 goes above and beyond the call of duty in squandering expectations, as if it were deliberately trying to be the most pointless waste of celluloid in existence. If wasting talent were a crime, then Movie 43 would be put in jail for the longest imprisonment ever, because the cast of this one is ridiculous ― Kate Winslet, Hugh Jackman, Naomi Watts, Halle Berry, Anna Faris, Chris Pratt, Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Kieran Culkin, Richard Gere, Kate Bosworth, Uma Thurman, Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Bell, Chloe Mortez, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Gerard Butler, Sean William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Elizabeth Banks, Josh Duhamel… okay, that’s enough for now, you get the idea. Richard Roeper awarded it zero stars, calling it “the Citizen Kane of awful.” It has a 4% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s like a super-sized episode of Saturday Night Live gone horribly awry, with Hugh Jackman playing a character who has male genitalia dangling from his neck and Halle Berry using a baster to inject hot sauce you-know-where (yes, there). All those star translated into a measly $5 million at the box office, showing that even America doesn’t have quite that lowbrow taste. Yay America! Boo Movie 43.
5. Kathryn Bigelow’s Oscar Snub
Ben Affleck managed to turn his Oscar snub into a sympathy card as he has since racked up a slew of awards, including an unexpected SAG win for Argo’s ensemble. No such luck for Kathryn Bigelow and Zero Dark Thirty. Only four women have ever been nominated as Best Director, none of them twice. Kathryn could have made history and should have for her challenging and insightful film, but instead a once-riveting awards season has been dominated by an overrated movie that exalts Hollywood producers as heroes. (Gee, we wonder what aspect of this film appeals to the industry?) Her film received a lot of unnecessary depiction for its objective depiction of "enhanced interrogation" techniques (AKA torture), but the real torture is watching a lesser movie sweep awards it doesn't deserve while Zero Dark Thirty goes home empty-handed.
4. Justin Timberlake’s “Suit And Tie”
JT surprised us all with a sudden announcement of his return to music, prompting flashbacks to his golden heyday oh-so-long ago. Then, almost instantly, it arrived! And it was… fine? “Suit And Tie” will do as a “getting dressed up to go out” ditty (especially if you're going formal and wearing, um, y'know...), but when it comes to actually going out, we’d rather hear “SexyBack” or any of Justin’s hits from yesteryear than this new jam. Especially since it also features Mr. Beyonce AKA Jay-Z! Okay, so maybe our expectations were too high, but it’s Justin’s own fault for being so good on his last two albums!
3. J.J. Abrams Directing Star Wars Episode VII
It’s not that we think J.J. Abrams will direct a bad Star Wars movie. But if we wanted to see what J.J. would do in the revival of a beloved nerd franchise with the word Star in the title, we would watch Star Trek. And we did already. So for Star Wars, we might have preferred someone new and more exciting. Can’t we just have that Bradley Cooper-starring Lance Armstrong biopic instead? (Speaking of disappointments.)
2. Britney Spears Quits Everything
And just when we thought Britney was getting it together at last, suddenly it’s all falling apart again. Her engagement to Jason Trawick has been called off, she’s likely not returning to The X Factor (apparently, saying “That was really good” six times a night was too taxing), her will.i.am single "Scream and Shout" is robotic and uninspired, and she may be banishing herself to Vegas, where once-relevant musicians go to bask in their former glory and do nothing new ever again. Forget the fact that we don't have a Britney dream wedding to look forward to (since her last two marriages left something to be desired). Quitting her job, her man, and fleeing to Vegas sure isn't a great sign of mental competence for the once-troubled star. But who knows? Maybe she's fine. At least we have a new album to look forward to… though if Bald Britney makes a comeback in 2013, we won’t be too shocked at this point. It's beginning to look a lot like 2007...
1. Destiny’s Child Not Reuniting At The Super Bowl
Kelly, can you handle this? Yep!
Beyonce, can you handle this? Sure!
Michelle, can you handle this? Ooh, apparently not.
At first it was like, “Destiny’s Child is releasing a new single!” And we were like, “Yay!” And then they released the single. And we were like, “Oh…” But then they were like, “Destiny’s Child is reuniting at the Super Bowl to perform a medley!” And we were like, “Yay!” And then Michelle Williams was like, “Ohhh, wait a sec, I’m busy that night.” And we were like, “Huh?”
So let’s get this straight. Kelly Rowland is available. Beyonce is available. But Michelle Williams is just too busy to perform at the Super Bowl? Because this is seriously like, the first time in 10 years anyone has cared what Michelle Williams is doing, and it also the freakin' Super Bowl. Why, Michelle? Why aren't you ready for this jelly?
So can we just have a Destiny’s Child reunion without Michelle Williams? Maybe get those old cast-off members of Destiny’s Child, back when Beyonce was upstaging three other girls instead of just two. Or, for all we care, just get this Michelle Williams to do it. It’s the rare year she hasn’t been nominated for an Oscar, so she’s probably free. And if she can do Marilyn Monroe, she should have no problem emulating the least popular Destiny’s Child member. Because we are seriously ready to throw our pagers out the window about this.
What's your biggest disappointment of 2013 so far?
Photos Courtesy of Fameflynet