Choosing Nicolas Cage’s freakiest moments is like choosing which 17 grains of sand at the beach are your favorite. The man makes Lindsay Lohan look like Mother Theresa.

And yet, today is Nicolas Cage’s 49th birthday. And while he is probably spending it purchasing a distant planet or sacrificing a litter of piglets to honor Superman, we have decided to celebrate the occasion by celebrating him, warts and all, in all his nutso glory. Because the only person crazier than the characters Nicolas Cage plays in movies is Nicolas Cage himself.

Here are the 10 most bizarre, unbelievable, over-the-top, WTF-just-happened? things about Nicolas Cage.

 

1. He Married Lisa Marie Pressley

Yeah, this happened. Briefly. Nic wedded Elvis’ daughter in Maui in August 2002. He filed for divorce before 2003. Then again, Lisa Marie also married Michael Jackson, so who’s the crazy one here? It’s pretty bad when Nicolas Cage is not your weirdest ex-husband.

 

2. His Current Wife Was 3 When Nic Was Nominated For His First Golden Globe

Nic’s current wife Alice Kim is 20 years younger than him, but surprisingly, the marriage has lasted. Still, it's a little creepy to note that she wasn't even in kindergarten in 1987, when Raising Arizona and Moonstruck, two of Nic's most iconic roles, were released.

 

3. He Does The Most Terrifying Alphabet Imaginable

Not to be featured on Sesame Street any time soon. Nic, you want your kids to learn their ABC's, not have nightmares about them!

 

4. He Doomed His Son To A Lifetime Of Torment And Mockery

He named his son Kal-El. You know, after Superman. Because apparently, both "Clark Kent Cage" was just too average an homage for the extraordinary offspring of Nic Cage. And we sure hope Kal-El has his namesake's super-strength, because he'll need it to fight off those bullies on the playground.

 

5. He’s Pretending Not To Be A Coppola

The former Nicolas Coppola didn't want anyone to think he got ahead in life just because he's the nephew of legendary The Godfather and Apocalypse Now filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola. So to be more inconsipucous, he named himself after... a Marvel hero named Luke Cage? Very subtle, Nic. And he's done a fantastic job of maintaining a low profile ever since!

 

6. "Not The Bees!"

The Wicker Man is a veritable source of Nicolas Cage cinematic ludicrousness. (Don't believe us?) But the single most memorable bit of it is Nic's face being consumed by a horde of buzzing insects as he screams, "Not the bees!" (Meanwhile, we Nic fans are screaming, "Yes, please, the bees!")

 

7. His Jurassic Purchase

Amongst other luxury items, Nic spent $276,000 on a 67 million year old dinosaur’s head. And you wonder why we he ran into money problems?

 

8. Croak Like An Egyptian

Nic built himself a 9-foot-tall pyramid to presumably be mummified in when he passes on... in New Orleans. You know, just like all the ancient pharaohs of Louisiana did back in the day.

 

9. He Won An Oscar??

Nic won an Oscar for his performance as an alcoholic in Leaving Las Vegas in 1995, back when we still thought he was pretending to be a narcissistic lunatic.

 

10. He's A Very, Very, Very Bad Lietuenant

Any questions? Didn't think so.

 

11. No Pig Sex For Nic’s Belly

Some people don’t eat pork for religious reasons. Nic told The Sun that he doesn’t eat it because he doesn’t like the "undignified" way pigs have sex.

 

12. He Invented "Nouveau Shamanic"

Have you never heard of this prized method of acting, rivaling the Meisner technique? Maybe that’s because it is only practiced by Nicolas Cage. It is based on the practices of old medicine men and involves dressing like an “Afro-Caribbean voodoo icon.” We're sure it's only a matter of time before the Royal Shakespeare Company picks this up.

 

13. The Bucharest Incident

Nic had a pretty terrifying meltdown in Bucharest in 2009, caught on video. Maybe he was just rehearsing for one of his insane movie roles?

 

14. His Voodoo Child

He created the comic Voodoo Child with his own (voodoo?) child, Weston Cage, who has been in the news for his own outrageous behavior. Like father, like son?

 

15. He Might Be A Vampire

Enough said.

 

16. He Can Eat A Peach For Hours

Is he being too subtle? You get what he's really trying to say here, right?

 

17. He Has Great Taste In Castles

Nic has purchased not just one but multiple castles, leading to his much-publicized financial troubles. Other items he's splurged on: a $150,000 octopus, an antidote serum for his pet cobras, a $300,000 car that he paid $500,000 for, a Gulfstream jet, two yachts, two private islands in the Bahamas.

 

18. He Has The Most Awesome Gonorrhea Ever

Is Ghost Rider the role Nic was born to play or what?

 

19. He Did Mushrooms With A Cat

Well, this explains a lot, actually.

 

20. Every Movie He's Ever Done

Some Nicolas Cage roles are insane and some are kinda normal, right? Wrong. Actually, pretty much every role Nic has ever had has contained at least one signature Nic freak out. You're welcome.

 

What's your favorite "Crazy Nic" moment?

Photos Courtesy of Fameflynet