Happy New Year, Hollywire fans!
With 2013 upon us, it's time to start making good on our New Year's resolutions. But while most people vow to hit the gym or get more involved with charity, celebrities should be making a whole other batch of New Year's resolutions -- like reading the script before signing on to their movie projects, or wearing underwear at a red carpet premiere. Check out our roundup of 16 resolutions that celebrities should be making for 2013!
New Year's Resolution: To read the script before doing a movie.
Is Eddie Murphy's agent illiterate? Eddie might have been a comedy icon in the '80s, but nearly all of his movies in the last decade have been completely devoid of chuckle-worthy gags. And his latest flick A Thousand Words, released last March, achieved the unthinkable: a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Maybe Eddie should start reading scripts beforehand to ensure he's not signing on for yet another pile of cinematic crap.
New Year's Resolution: To buy a dictionary
Ryan is an amazing swimmer and did a great job playing a "sex idiot" on 30 Rock. (Then again, he was basically playing himself.) Unfortunately, that's where his skill set seems to end. Need proof? Check out his Twitter account, filled with grammar mistakes no one should make past the third grade. "Too travel is sometimes better to arrive!" he tweeted earlier this year. Now that he has a billion dollars, perhaps Ryan would like to buy himself a dictionary?
New Year's Resolution: To make a good movie
The good news for Lindsay is that she completed three movie projects this year. The bad news is that everyone thought Liz and Dick was terrible, and the trailers for The Canyons and Scary Movie 5 don't look particularly encouraging either. And since her debut foray into reality television resulted in her pissing off every producer on the show, LiLo's only two options are to make decent movies or get a 9-to-5. Because let's face it... she may not be a mother, but she's definitely supporting a family.
New Year's Resolution: To get back to his Magic Mike build ASAP
We certainly appreciate Matthew's devotion to his craft by losing a boatload of weight to play an AIDS-afflicted man in The Dallas Buyers Club. We just appreciate a six-pack and bulging triceps slightly more.
New Year's Resolution: To stay out of politics forever
In the circus that is Celebrity Apprentice, The Donald is a fantastic ringmaster. There's a very good reason that the franchise is heading into its 14th season this year. But while we're fine with him stroking his ego by pretend-firing F-list celebrities, he shouldn't be allowed within 100 yards of the political arena ever again. After the wild unpopularity of his $5 million challenge last election, even someone as egomaniacal as Donald has to know when it's time to walk away.
New Year's Resolution: To kick Breezy to the curb -- for real, this time
As the old saying goes, either you-know-what or get off the pot. Rihanna's relationship status with Chris flip-flopped more than Mitt Romney's political views in 2012. Just when we thought she had finally wisened up and ended things, there'd be a photo of them making out a day or two later. Here's hoping 2013 is the year RiRi realizes she can do way better than a cheating, woman beating a-hole.
New Year's Resolution: Hire someone to oversee his Twitter account
Honestly, we can't handle writing another article on Chris getting into a Twitter war with someone and deleting (before quickly reactivating) his account. It obviously takes less than 140 characters for Chris to act like a total d-bag, so he should hire someone to make his Twitter account look like that of a professional performer. We're happy to throw ourselves into the running for that position.
New Year's Resolution: To always exit the car like a lady
You can call it a "vulnerable moment" all you want, Anne. We call it a severe lapse in judgment. Do the grown-up thing and wear undies to your red carpet premieres. You're better than that.
New Years Resolution: Take parenting classes
Jay-Z seems to be content with his belief that, “At the end of the day, I just know I'll probably have the worst, spoiled little kid ever.” It doesn't have to be that way, though. And how great would it be if we had a celebrity kid who wasn't a spoiled brat? A parenting class or two should be all Jay needs on that front.
New Years Resolution: Brush up on her feminism
Cameron angered every feminist on the planet in 2012 by saying that, "I think every woman does want to be objectified. There's a little part of you at all times that hopes to be somewhat objectified, and I think it's healthy." Maybe a book or two on the history of feminism would help prevent her from setting the cause back 80 years...
New Years Resolution: Go one month without getting arrested
LiLo may have been the hot mess of 2012, but Katt is the undisputed winner for the months of November and December. Numerous arrests, a retirement from stand-up comedy that lasted three days, and a $4 million tax lien are just some of his gems over the last eight weeks. Katt should start out small with his resolutions for 2013. Let's not get arrested for the month of January and build up from there.
New Years Resolution: Not insert herself into every single story she tells
Ever since Tyra Banks ended her talk show, Kim K has been the queen of making every possible situation relate back to her, including fighting terminal cancer. "I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She's 18. And I was like, that's how I feel," she said earlier this year. But since new moms typically can't do much but talk about themselves and their baby, we won't hold our breath for this resolution...
New Years Resolution: Develop a talent and a brain... away from the public eye
We already knew she can't sing and can't act. Now we know she can't DJ, either. Nor can she manage to not piss off her dwindling cult following of gay men. Now that her 15 minutes are officially over and done with, here's hoping this sentence is the last thing anyone reads about her ever again.
New Years Resolution: Continue his education
Justin is a man of many talents, but he's not exactly a shining example for the Canadian education system. Referring to the Sistine Chapel as the "Sixteenth Chapel" is simply inexcusable. Who knows? Maybe a few extra classes can give him the smarts needed to figure out how to win a Grammy.
New Years Resolution: Hire a new stylist
New Years Resolution: Do something besides live life as a "retired multi-millionaire"
Since Amanda now lives in NYC and doesn't need a car, we're confident her auto troubles are done. Her actual life is a whole other story, though. She said her goal in moving from LA to NYC was to start a fashion line, but then stated she was "retired" just two months later. The mid-20s are a little young for Real Housewife-dom, so Amanda needs to quickly figure out a reason for getting up in the morning.
What New Year's resolution do you wish a certain celebrity would make?
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