Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lopez, Rihanna, and a whole bunch of other stars just had a heart attack and are currently scrambling to put together a last-minute Grammys outfit that covers all their naughty bits. Does Versace make turtlenecks? Does Dior do burkas? Are “ankles” on the list of body parts that CBS has banished from the Grammys telecast this Sunday?

The network’s Standards & Practices arm sent out a pretty ridiculous memo late last night, getting crazy specific about which body parts are and are not allowed on the show, including “female breast nipples,” “buttock crack,” and “puffy bare skin” in the genial region.

Essentially, it ruled out probably every item of clothing that every single Grammy performer was planning to wear.

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“Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered,” the memo reads. “Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic.”

“Bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks”? Why does this memo read like it was written by an extra-terrestrial who has never actually seen a naked human body?

“Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples,” the notice continues. “Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible ‘puffy’ bare skin exposure.” (Again, we’re not sure exactly what puffy bare skin around the genitals entails, but if you have it, you may want to visit a clinic and obtain some kind of ointment.)

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So scheduled presenters and performers like Beyonce, Rihanna, and Katy Perry are probably having a nice chuckle right about now, imagining someone from CBS Standards & Practices turning them away at the door. It’s not like there’s any way to enforce this ― unless they make stars who disobey the edict wear a giant coat if they want to participate in the show.

At least Justin Timberlake is covered in his presumed “Suit And Tie.” Clearly whoever wrote this memo has never actually watched the Grammys.

Do you think CBS went overboard with this memo?