This weekend, Justin Bieber tweeted that he had the “worst birthday,” presumably because he couldn’t get minors into a nightclub, though he later clarified that it was actually because of “dummies” pushing his fans.
Either way, it seems like Justin’s threshold for terrible birthdays is pretty low. As a world-famous millionaire who dates models and pop stars, poor Justin can’t be blamed for having a skewed take on what a “worst birthday” is really like ― perhaps he just doesn’t realize that for most of us, not being able to get incredibly famous children into a nightclub would rank, at worst, #5 or 6 on our Worst Birthdays list.
Justin has since recanted his claim that this was, in fact, the “worst birthday” (did he mean his worst? or the worst in all the history of the mankind?). However, we're not too sure that he knows just how much worse it could be, , so we’re here to help him keep things in perspective.
Here are some ways Justin's 19th birthday could have really, truly been the worst.
1. He Could Have Been Wearing A Shirt
The reasons Justin was walking around London without a shirt are still a mystery. Did he spill something on it? Did he find a shivering child on a street corner, and gallantly offer his own clothing to save her life? Or was it even uglier than this? Regardless, any birthday on which you are photographed strutting around displaying your famous abs is not the absolute worst. Second worst, possibly. But since Justin obviously loves attention more than anything ― and somehow isn’t getting quite enough of it with his clothes on ― the fact that these photos were splashed all over the internet was actually the best possible birthday present Justin could have asked for.
2. He Could Have Been Arrested For Kidnapping
We’re not sure what events led to 14-year-old Jaden Smith heading to a nightclub with a newly 19-year-old, but if most parents woke up in the middle of the night with their young teen missing, they’d call the cops. Especially if they knew an adult male was taking their young child to a nightclub. So maybe Justin’s lucky that things didn’t go further than they did. (And by the way, if Will Smith thinks he's too cool to have a curfew because he recorded "Parents Just Don't Understand," now may be the time to reverse that policy.)
3. Everyone Could Have Forgot
At the moment, Justin’s “my birthday is tomorrow” tweet from February 28 has been retweeted 137,893 times. So there was really no chance of anyone missing it. But what if they did? What if the world collectively forgot Justin’s birthday, and no one blogged about it, or tweeted him a “happy birthdayyyy :),” or paid any attention to him at all? For a social media addict like Justin, such a thing would be the Worst. Birthday. EVER. And when he tweeted about it, no one would reply. We wouldn’t even be writing this.
4. Selena Could Have Had The Best Day Ever
We all know that nothing ruins your day like finding out your ex is better off than you. What if Selena had chosen March 1 to announce her engagement to Niall Horan? Or a secret relationship with Taylor Swift? What if, on March 1, the Grammys decided to bestow a Lifetime Achievement Award on her, while at the same time voting to ban Justin from Grammy recognition for life? All kinds of wonderful things could have happened to Selena on March 1, but luckily for Justin, they didn’t. So yes, Justin, it could have been worse.
5. He Could Have Been In America
Probably not coincidentally, Justin celebrated his birthday in a country where the legal drinking age is 18, not 21. Had he been in America, he would have been one of those minors turned away from a nightclub. Next year, if Justin still wants to get 14-year-olds drunk, we suggest Justin find a country where the legal drinking age is 13, such as… um, Narnia, perhaps?
6. He Could Be Starving, He Could Be Homeless, He Could Be Broke
Justin’s “As Long As You Love Me” is all about how he wouldn't mind an impoverished life if he was with the girl of his dreams. (Yeah, right.) But since Justin isn't currently in a relationship, we're sure he isn't too keen on becoming any of these things. Justin should count himself blessed that he not only has a home and ample money and food, but is also occasionally hoisted above thousands of screaming fans wearing a pair of giant angel wings... something your average soup kitchen patron probably isn't too familiar with. (Not even on their birthdays.)
7. He Could Have Not Been Wearing Underwear
And then the paparazzi would have really gotten a money shot. Although it would’ve certainly been a scandal had Justin pulled an Anne Hathaway, we already know that Justin doesn’t mind baring his ass for all the world to see, and given his penchant for showing off his body, we’re actually kind of surprised he didn’t go full birthday-suit in celebration. It probably wouldn’t have won him any favors with parents of his young fans or the press, though.
8. He Could Have Been In An Even Weaker-Ass Place
What’s worse than being turned away from a “weak-ass club”? Try spending your birthday in a weak-ass hospital, a weak-ass maximum security prison, or a weak-ass cemetery, then see how you feel.
9. Actual Dummies Could Have Pushed Over His Fans
Justin's post-birthday Instagram clarification cited that his "worst birthday" comment was due to "dummies pushing over his fans." Presumably, he meant dumb people. But a bunch of actual dummies coming to life and attacking his fans would be far more terrifying.
10. Poisonous Gas
Justin wore a gas mask out and about in London a few days before his birthday. That birthday would have really sucked if there was suddenly an explosion of poisonous gas, and Justin had neglected to bring his gas mask.
11. He Could Be Wearing This Hat
Self-explanatory. There is nothing worse than this, especially on one's birthday.
12. He Could Be Turning 40
We highly doubt Justin’s 19th birthday will actually be considered his worst, when all is said and done. Justin can take comfort in the fact that he has lots and lots of worse worst birthdays to look forward to, like when he turns 40 and notices his hair thinning and turning gray, and despite all those crunches he’s put on some weight around the middle, and walking around without a shirt on just leads to a lot of cringing and disgust. By then, he might still not have a Grammy but it’ll be too late, and all he can do is cry into the cupcake he made for himself moaning “Selena, Selena, Selena… why did I let you go?” and think back on his life with regret. And then, only then, will he realize that his 19th birthday was, in fact, not the very worst.
Do you think Justin was overreacting to his "worst" birthday?
Photos Courtesy of Fameflynet