It’s Lady Gaga’s birthday today, and if there’s one thing we know about Gaga, it’s that she’s always trying to top herself ― and everyone else.
A quiet celebration of close friends? A simple birthday cupcake? A tuneless rendition of “Happy Birthday”? Nope! Not Gaga enough! The eccentric Mother Monster would never allow such pedestrian displays of appreciation to honor her 27 years of terrorizing the Earth.
A Gaga birthday is a real party. One for which “over-the-top” is still too low and “that’s extreme” is just another way of bellowing, “Mooore!!” Here are 10 simple steps to celebrate ― sorry, we mean Gaga-brate ― the existence of the otherworldly life form otherwise known as Lady Gaga.
1. Unicorn Stampede Muppet Runway Show
What You’ll Need: a dozen friends, 13 unicorns, blood
Suggested Soundtrack: “Highway Unicorn” from Born This Way
Lady Gaga once wore an outfit made entirely of Kermit the Frogs. But that was so half a decade ago. Since Gaga is all about the evolution of fashion, this time you must procure a lot more Muppets... all of them. We propose riding a cavalry of bloody unicorns into the Jim Henson Studios, impaling as many Muppets as possible on their horns, and then creating an entire fashion line out of their body parts. Then wash that blood off and have a runaway show to show off your fresh new outfits!
2. Paparazzi Veil Bike Accident
What You’ll Need: veil, First Aid kit
Suggested Soundtrack: “Paparazzi” from The Fame
We’re all familiar with the push-and-pull of Gaga’s fame ― the relative privacy of her personal life compared to her media overexposure a couple years ago. (It’s died down some since.) Wear the hugest black veil possible over your favorite crazy couture outfit and stroll by a paparazzi breeding ground, like The Ivy in West Hollywood. Chances are, if you’re wearing a veil, they will follow you thinking you’re famous. Then, to make a statement, leap in front of a passing bicyclist and lie motionless in the street so the paparazzi all think they’ve killed you and feel shame about their profession. When the ambulance arrives, get up and reveal that you’re fine ― but make sure to take care of that poor bicyclist who had to crash in the name of your anti-media stance. (But rest assured, it was worth it for the sake of art.)
3. Mermaid Crucifixion At The Vatican
What You’ll Need: mermaid tail, trip to Rome, life-size crucifix, blasphemous spirit
Suggested Soundtrack: “Judas” from Born This Way
It’s not a Gaga-bration unless many, many deeply religious people are outraged. Stage a crucifixion of a mermaid (if you can’t find an actual mermaid, a topless woman in a mermaid tail will do) at your local church ― or, even better, the Vatican! (You know if you invited Gaga to this, she would totally come, any day of the week.)
4. Death Condom Fire Bomb
What You’ll Need: giant condoms, explosives, a recording of sinister laughter
Suggested Soundtrack: “Bad Romance” from The Fame Monster
Gaga once dressed in a condom-inspired outfit to promote safe sex. To show her you got the message, make an even bolder statement ― inflate giant condoms with sneering skulls on them, then float them as balloons above all the world’s major cities. When you've captured the attention of thousands of on-lookers and the media, have the condoms explode into flames as a soundtrack of sinister laughter echoes through the streets. Anyone who doesn’t practice safe sex after that display is just crazy!
5. Disco Stick Rodeo
What You’ll Need: disco stick, cowboy hat, saddle, golden wheelchair, alcohol
Suggested Soundtrack: “LoveGame” from The Fame
Want to take a ride on a disco stick? Well, now’s your chance! Round up a lot of disco sticks ― whatever those are ― saddle up, and stage a competition to see who can stay on the longest! Other Gaga-inspired activities at the rodeo can include a golden wheelchair relay race and drunken “Just Dance”-inspired phone-and-keys scavenger hunt!
6. Clothing-Optional Butcher Shop Dance Party
What You’ll Need: butcher shop, iPod, animal carcasses, glow sticks
Suggested Soundtrack: “Fashion” from Confessions of A Shopaholic soundtrack
Perhaps Gaga’s most infamous outfit in a long line of infamous outfits is the meat dress she wore to the VMAs. But why stop there? Spread the love with the rest of the Little Monsters by having a clothing-optional dance party in your local butcher shop. Everyone can get naked, and then feel free to wear various pieces of meat as they dance to their favorite Lady Gaga music. Bonus points for pink pubes!
7. Gender-Bending Easter Egg Crime Spree
What You’ll Need: giant egg, clothing from the opposite sex, minions
Suggested Soundtrack: “Boys Boys Boys” from The Fame
Lady Gaga spent a brief spell dressing as her male alter ego, Jo Calderone, which made her almost unrecognizable. This sort of disguise will come in handy when you go on a Gaga-inspired crime spree through the city, stealing as many couture luxury items as possible and storing them in a giant egg to be carried by your minions (painted for Easter, of course!).
8. Live-Tweeted Telephone Pole Trapeze With Tea Cup
What You’ll Need: ladder, smartphone, tea cup
Suggested Soundtrack: “Telephone” from The Fame Monster
Lady Gaga aims to impress at her live shows, so shouldn’t her fans return the favor on her birthday? Become a trapeze artist balancing a tea cup in one hand, and a smartphone in the other as you walk along telephone wires. Being such a big fan of social media interactions with fans, Gaga would probably appreciate it if you live-tweeted the event, posting pictures and tweeting about your excitement/terror/final regrets as you go. Just don’t drop the tea cup!
How do you plan to celebrate Gaga's birthday? Any of these sound appealing?