Scary Movie 5 comes out this Friday, and we're already quivering in fear.
Not because the movie itself is all that frightening... at least, not in the traditional way... but rather, because the film offers up the kind of rare chills no horror director or screenwriter could invent. We're talking cameos from sub-D-list stars, off-the-wall parodies of much better movies, and some highly questionable-looking gags.
Don't believe that Scary Movie 5 could actually be the most terrifying thing you see this year? Well, peruse the evidence below... we think you'll be swayed.
1. Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan In Bed Together
We're lucky this pairing is a fictional one, or else we're pretty sure we'd be welcoming the Antichrist in about nine months. The two biggest controversy-magnets in Hollywood are probably this movie's biggest draw, even though we strongly suspect they get killed off pretty quickly.
2. It Stars Ashley Tisdale
No offense, Ashley, but Jessica Chastain you are not. The last time Ashley was top-billed in a major motion picture, it was... oh, right. Never. To date, her only real stab at carrying a movie is the High School Musical spinoff Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure, which was direct-to-video. Granted, the Scary Movies have never exactly relied on A-list talent to draw crowds, but is Ashley Tisdale really the best they could do? Couldn't they get a proven comedienne, like... oh... let's see... who comes to mind? It's right on the tip of our tongue... hmm... oh! Right!
3. Anna Faris Was Too Good For This
The official word is that "Anna Faris was too pregnant for this," but whatever. We're sure if the reasonably bankable star was desperate to do her fifth Scary Movie, they would've worked it out somehow. Anna tends to be the bright spot in plenty of comedies that are beneath her ― she's funny, even when the movies aren't. The fact that she passed ― even though she agreed to do all those other Scary Movies ― doesn't really bode well for the quality of this entry in the franchise.
4. Even Honey Boo Boo Was Too Good For This
The trailer depicts an awkward "dolla makes me holla" cameo from Honey Boo Boo. Except it's obviously not the real Honey Boo Boo. We have to assume that the producers reached out to Honey Boo Boo and asked if she'd do the bit part... and Honey Boo Boo declined. Think about that for a minute.
5. It's A Five-quel
This is kind of obvious from the "5" at the end of the title, but let's take a moment to think about this. This is the fifth one of these puppies. Did anyone predict this franchise could possibly have this much juice? The Dark Knight trilogy only had three movies... ditto The Godfather. Even Scream, the movie that inspired the first Scary Movie, only had four entries in the franchise. Are they going for a full eight like Harry Potter or what? When is enough gonna be enough for these people?
6. This Movie Already Happened...
Hey, remember A Haunted House? No? Us, either. But Marlon Wayans (who was involved in the early Scary Movies) released a conspicuously similar spoof of his own, also a Paranormal Activity parody. It was trashed by critics (surprise!) but did a decent $40 million at the box office.
7. Seven-Year Itch?
Um, guys, it's been seven years since the last Scary Movie. And weren't we all collectively okay with that? More than anything that's actually in the movie, we find it frightening that this franchise was able to claw its way out of the grave...
8. This Guy Thinks He’s Leonardo DiCaprio
Even though you'd think the Scary Movies would be limited to making fun of, you know, scary movies, that clearly isn't the case. Hence we get this weird gross-out Inception parody, with a guy who vaguely resembles a grizzled Leo... but clearly is no Leonardo DiCaprio. A poor man's Leo? How insulting! We'll take the real thing, thanks.
9. A Black Swan Parody? Really?
Speaking of which, Black Swan was kind of a thriller, but again, not really a "scary movie." So it seems pretty random that this franchise would bother to take shots at yet another 2010 Oscar nominee (after Inception), since both are jokes that would've been funnier a year ago... or, more likely, never.
10. The Low-Rent Cameos
Nabbing Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan for this is arguably impressive. They may not be lighting movie screens on fire, but they're big names for sure. The rest of the cameos feel like bargain-basement desperation, though... Snoop Dogg/Lion, Heather Locklear, Katt Williams, Kendra Wilkinson, Mike Tyson... wait, is this movie opening in theaters or on the Syfy channel?
11. This Movie Cost 1,667 Times More Than Paranormal Activity
In addition to Oscar-winning non-horror movies, this Scary Movie is clearly taking aim at the Paranormal Activity franchise... but without the frugality. The first Paranormal Activity cost a micoscopic $15,000... which is a tiny, tiny fraction of this movie's $25 million budget (and still five times more than Paranormal Activity 4). That's a lot of money to spend on something that still looks really, really cheap... but we suppose that $15,000 wouldn't have even covered Lindsay's bar tab during shooting.
12. This Poster
Looking for sophisticated humor? Look elsewhere. This poster pretty much gets right to the lowest-common-denominator demographic that Scary Movie 5 is obviously appealing to. Also: ew!
13. It’s Probably Not Even The Second Worst LiLo Movie This Year
You'd think Scary Movie 5 would be a low point for just about anyone involved. But actually, this might be the best Lindsay Lohan movie of the year! Her low-budget drama opposite a porn star The Canyons has had a hard time finding festivals willing to even show it, and her cameo in InAPPropriate Comedy was a major box office bomb. It's shocking to think that out of the three, this could very well be Lindsay's choicest cinematic offering for 2013...
What do you think is the scariest thing about Scary Movie 5?