Reality television is hardly known for producing the most thought-provoking programming, but notorious attention whores Ke$ha and Ryan Lochte have just debuted shows that make Keeping Up With the Kardashians look like a National Geographic special.
Ke$ha premiered her MTV reality show My Crazy Beautiful Life last night, while Ryan's E! reality show What Would Ryan Lochte Do? premiered last Sunday with plenty of mockable sound bites. In short, we don't expect either of these programs to win Emmys (or have a second season). Yet if there was an award for sheer lack of shamelessness, they'd both undoubtedly be in the running.
Which of these shows is more cringeworthy? Check out our head-to-head breakdown!
Round 1: Beard Hunting vs. Tail Chasing
K$ arrives in Scotland, where she promptly tells a local reporter that she's going on a "beard hunt" in such of ginger men. "I've seen lots of guys with their ginger beards, in their kilts, and everyone is drunk," declares Ke$ha. Way to completely perpetuate the stereotype of a country with just one sentence...
She then says that she wants a Scottish man for the night to "fondle him under his kilt." Before going out to troll with a friend, she urges him not to be a "c*ck block."
Meanwhile, Ryan gives the least convincing speech ever to prove he's looking for true love. (In other words, he's already auditioning for The Bachelor.) He boasts that he doesn't have to go after girls because they come to him, but proceeds to get rejected over and over after a series of lame pick-up lines.
Apparently, news anchors aren't the only people laughing at him. He might be a gold medal-winning swimmer, but can't even get on the podium in picking up girls.
Cringier Moment: Jeah! Round one goes to Ryan. Trolling for a ginger booty call isn't nearly as painful to watch as being turned down by multiple prospective one-night stands.
Round 2: Family Support
After a few minutes of My Crazy Beautiful Life, it becomes clear that listening to Ke$ha speak is like listening to one of her songs because, well, her tracks are pretty much a modern take on spoken word poetry. We're introduced to her self-described "co-dependent" mother, who is hysterically crying that her daughter is about to go away on tour. "Who's going to get you boys?" she asks.
Meanwhile, Ryan's family bonding time provides pretty much the only endearing moment of the episode. His family seems loving and uninterested in the spotlight, preferring to support Ryan however they can. He even breaks down in tears talking about how much they mean to him. "Without my family, I don't know what I'd do. I'd be lost," he said. "When I won my gold medal... having them there was everything."
Cringier Moment: Ke$ha's mom. We now have a greater understanding of where Ke$ha gets all her dramatic qualities and partying ways.
Round 3: Shameless, Shameless, Shameless
Of course, Ke$ha explains how her concert went in tight clothing while sitting spread-eagled. She attempts to do a cartwheel during one of her songs, but this ends up being the final product.
Whoops! However, she's able to laugh about it and declares that she "got back up like a f*cking rock star." We can appreciate someone who's able to own their hot mess-ness.
In the eloquent words of Ryan: "These are my shoes that I designed... to the very sole... to the top to the very bottom to... aw, f*ck. Laces." Even Ryan's editors for this show aren't interested in helping him not sound like an airhead. He then holds up a pair of absolutely hideous shoes we could only imagine a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wearing, declaring that they "brought him out in the fashion world."
Unless he's talking about a worst dressed list, we're calling shenanigans on that statement.
Cringier Moment: Ryan takes this category and the series 2-1. They both look ridiculous, but Ke$ha at least has enough self-awareness to realize that and own it. Ryan, meanwhile, doesn't seem to have much of anything going on dry land. Maybe he'd be more comfortable on this reality show?
Here's hoping the next thing Ryan Lochte would do is get off our TV sets until the 2016 Olympics.
Which reality show is worse?
Photos courtesy of Getty Images, E! and MTV