Kickstarter was created as a way for creative people with big ideas but not a lot of funds to generate financing on their intended projects. It’s been a major asset for a number of different projects, including independent films that may have never had a chance to be made and seen otherwise.
More recently, though, some bigger players are getting into the game. Rob Thomas and Kristen Bell turned to Kickstarter to get Veronica Mars fans to put the down payment on a big-screen adaptation of their beloved TV mystery series, then Zach Braff announced a spiritual sequel to Garden State that he also wants to pay for with this new-fangled model.
So what’s the problem? Well, some would argue that Kickstarter isn’t really the place for someone like Zach Braff ― who is surely worth millions based on the success of Scrubs alone ― to ask fans to pay for a film he could probably fund himself. Kickstarter means Zach Braff fans will likely be paying for the movie twice ― once when they donate, and again when they see the movie in theaters.
Related Article: ‘Jane Got A Gun’ Has The Hottest Possible Cast Again
Most of the time, the person or business who funds a movie gets that money back if the film is a hit. That might be a big studio or an independent financier. In the case of Zach’s movie, whoever ends up distributing it will likely get a large chunk of the proceeds, as will Zach himself. But the people who actually paid for the movie ― the fans who donated to Kickstarter ― won’t get a cut, in this case. And with a pretty big star like Zach asking for money, a lot of projects that don’t have the advantages Zach Braff’s does will be overlooked.
In his initial video for the Kickstarter campaign, Zach explains that his movie Wish I Was Here had plenty of interest from financiers, but the reason for going the crowd-funding route was because he wants to maintain creative control. So fans are really just paying for Zach Braff to have final cut… and let’s be honest, Zach Braff isn’t exactly Terrence Malick. (At least, not yet!)
With all the buzz on this project, it got us thinking about what would happen if other celebrities decided to use Kickstarter to fund things they just didn’t feel like paying for themselves. Here are our humble suggestions for what these stars might cook up...
1. Amanda Bynes’ Social Media Manager
Amanda insists that every publication use only photos from her own Twitter account. The only problem is that those photos are godawful. Amanda needs a social media manager to stop her from tweeting things about Drake committing homicide on her ladybits, as well as a classy celebrity photographer to take pictures she can approve as she carries out her busy daily activities like not working, haunting the streets of New York looking like a homeless person, (allegedly) smoking pot in gym bathrooms, claiming she’s far richer than she really is, and decrying all websites for mockery her about it. Given that it’s really not possible for her to have Olsen twins money (unless she’s a whiz at the stock market), she may actually need Kickstarter for this.
2. The Wanted’s Aerocar
Why walk like Rihanna when you can fly like her? The Wanted and One Direction are engaged in a bitter battle for the title of Hottest UK Boy Band Right Now, and 1D has the edge at the moment. Since their nemesis announced that they’d be traveling via Scooby Van for their next tour, this is The Wanted’s chance to one-up them and find an even cooler ride from a cartoon ― why not The Jetsons’ aerocar? Since this hasn’t been invented yet, the boys could probably use some help from Kickstarter at funding it. (Bonus points if it can fold down into a briefcase.)
3. Lana Del Rey’s Psychiatrist
Seriously, honey, perk up! She’s gorgeous and famous with millions of fans, but let’s face it ― she’s also kind of a downer, and we can’t really figure out why. After her latest song for The Great Gatsby gave us more doom and retro gloom, we’d be more than happy to contribute to a Kickstarter fund for Lana to go see a shrink or two and figure out why she’s so blue, maybe get some meds if necessary. It’d be worth the money to see her smile ― once. Even just a little.
4. The Avengers 2
Given that it’s the third biggest movie of all time, a sequel was a no-brainer. But like Zach Braff, director Joss Whedon has to answer to the folks at Disney and at Marvel for approval on his superhero epic. Wouldn’t it be better if he had complete creative control? By using fans to fund the movie, we can guarantee that Joss’ vision stays intact. How hard can it be to crowdfund a $300 million movie, anyway?
5. Taylor Swift’s Matchmaker
Taylor, honey, you clearly can’t do this on your own. While the superstar seems, for once, to be contentedly single (finally) at the moment, we shudder in fear thinking about the day when she decides to dive back into that ever-more-shallow dating pool. From here on, Taylor should have a professional matchmaker set up any and all contact with the opposite sex, lest she get her heart broken again (and again and again) and unleash 400 more angry songs about them. In fact, she should probably have a team of matchmakers so that once she dumps her next ex, there’s another one all lined up ready to go within the hour!
6. Justin Bieber’s World Cultural Tour
Justin Bieber’s rather ignorant comment about how he wished Anne Frank was a Belieber highlighted the fact that he’s a young man who likely didn’t have his nose in the books as a world-famous teenager. Perhaps he missed a few important history lessons. While Justin has gone on a world tour before, he’s always working with little time to actually see the sights. Through the generosity of strangers on Kickstarter, we could send Justin on a trip around the world to see other important monuments. Soon he could be wishing that Shakespeare, George Washington, the ancient Egyptians and more were also Beliebers.
7. Katherine Heigl’s Too For The Money!
A couple years ago, Katherine was on top of the world as Hollywood’s go-to romcom queen. Now, after a string of duds at the box office, we’ve barely heard a peep out of her. These days, we imagine the only way Katherine could get a romantic comedy off the ground is by raising the money herself, so why not use Kickstarter to help out? Perhaps she could start with a sequel to One For The Money and finally prove to everyone why she was the best choice to play a broke-as-a-joke, down-on-her-luck bounty hunter. (Even though she clearly was not.)
8. Lindsay Lohan’s Own Police Officer
Lots of celebrities hire bodyguards to make sure that no one does them harm when they’re out and about in the world, with hundreds of people crowded around them. What Lindsay needs is her own police officer to stop her from doing harm. The hired gun would tail her 24/7 to prevent her from committing crimes ― and be on the scene to arrest her when she inevitably breaks the law anyway. (Yes, this is a full-time job.) An average police salary is $50,000 a year, so Kickstarter can raise that money since we know Lindsay has had some trouble with her finances. With no stealing, no reckless driving, and no illicit substances in her life thanks to her new cop buddy, LiLo will see a lot less bad press.
9. Ryan Lochte’s Primate Reserve
Poor Ryan. E! created a whole reality show just to mock him, and he doesn’t seem to be aware that the purpose of it is making him look like an ass as often as possible. Ryan is a good swimmer but not so good at communicating, so that even buttoned-up news types burst into laughter after conducting an interview. We think Ryan would feel more comfortable in an environment where everyone’s communicating at the same level, like a reserve for high-functioning primates. Ryan could spend some time feeling like the smartest guy in the room for a while, and maybe even learn a new way to communicate that doesn’t get him so tongue-tied. Hey, if they can teach chimpanzees and gorillas sign language, they can teach Ryan Lochte! (Maybe.)
10. Gwyneth Paltrow’s Foodless Restaurant
Don’t think they’ll serve you bread before your meal ― or at all. Gwyneth’s restaurant would strictly adhere to the rules laid out in her celebrity cookbook, It’s All Good. That means no coffee, no alcohol, no dairy, no eggs, no sugar, no shellfish, no deep-water fish, no wheat, no meat, no soy. Basically, no food at all ― just empty plates. Given that it may be hard to find funding for a no-food restaurant the traditional way, Kickstarter seems the perfect way to go to ensure that all patrons ― not just spoiled celebrity kids like Gwyneth’s ― can go to bed with hunger pains.
11. Kim Kardashian’s Baby Tanning Salon
Who would put a baby in a tanning bed? That’s monstrous! That’s why Kim will be starting her own line of baby spray tanning salons, to ensure that babies everywhere can always look their Kardashianest. Given that Kim’s maternity so far has shown that she values style and attention over what’s practical and smart, we can only assume this will continue once she actually has the child. Kim’s still keeping up with her self-tanning in her pregnancy, so why wouldn’t she be equally concerned about bronzing her baby? True, it’s Kanye West’s child, so the tyke will probably have some color built in. Still, we wouldn’t put it past her to want to go a little darker.
12. Chris Brown Island
Will they or won’t they? Off again or on again? Frankly, we’ve just had too much of Chris Brown and Rihanna. We’d like to help Chris purchase his own island, complete with everything he could ever want, so that he never has to leave. Like the island in Jurassic Park sequels, it will be deemed unsafe to fly over this zone. Its location will be super-secret, so that no one can find him ― or bring him back. We wouldn’t be surprised if RiRi, island girl that she is, decided to tag along, and that’s fine. We dare not try to tell her what to do with her life. There, they can wander around naked all they like, but there will be no internet or cell service for them to constantly share these pictures on social media. It’ll be just the two of them. Forever. Alone. Because that’s what they want, isn’t it? Privacy?
13. Anne Hathaway’s Jennifer Lawrence Lessons
Jennifer Lawrence? Loved by all. Anne Hathaway? Not so much. Anne has nailed a number of roles in the past, including Catwoman and Fantine, but she hasn’t been so successful at nailing a public persona that people can tolerate. What she really needs is lessons on being more like Jennifer Lawrence, taught by Jennifer Lawrence herself. Now, private classes taught by one of the biggest A-list stars of the moment can’t be cheap, but Kickstarter could help with that! Why wouldn’t fans pay for Anne Hathaway to be more like Jennifer Lawrence? In fact, can we sign all of Hollywood up for this class?
Which celebrity Kickstarter would you fund?