It's April 5, and we have mixed feelings about today — on the one hand, Jurassic Park finally returns to theaters! On the other hand, it means Park Week has come to a close.
But to ensure that we all get the most out of our Jurassic Park viewing experience, we've put together some nifty ideas on how you can enhance your trip to theaters this weekend. (You are going this weekend, aren't you? What are you, nuts?) Sure, most of the ideas are pretty obnoxious and will probably get you kicked out of the theater, and will definitely ruin the movie for everyone else. But it's not every day the best movie of all time roars its way back into the cineplex, now is it? You deserve the very best damn Jurassic Park experience you can get!
Here's how to get the most out of your excursion to Jurassic Park.
1. Buy your ticket, and when it is handed to you, exclaim gleefully: "Mr. Hammond, I think we're back in business!"
2. When someone tries to rip your ticket at entry, wiggle your finger in their face and say, "Ah, ah, ah — you didn't say the magic word!"
3. At the concession stand, when asked what you'd like to order, reply, "Big Tim: the human piece of toast." When told that item isn't available, sneer and say, "T-rex doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt," and walk off.
4. Upon walking into the theater, wave your hand theatrically and say, "Welcome... to Jurassic Park!"
5. When choosing your seat, smile at the person next to you and say, "She said I should sit with you, because it'd be good for you!"
6. While waiting for the movie to start, locate and old man, shout "Grandpa!" and pounce on him, as Tim and Lex do.
7. Just before the lights dim and the previews start, scream, "Turn the light off! Turn the light off!"
8. When the movie begins, say very loudly: "Hold onto your butts!"
9. Whenever Ian Malcolm says something witty, chuckle to yourself and mutter in a British accent: "Clever girl."
10. Whenever anyone is about to run, emulate Laura Dern's one-of-a-kind guttural pronouncement of "Rrrrrruuuuunnnn...."
11. Join Lex in inquiring, "He's going to eat the goat?" Continue this any time anyone else is about to be eaten. "He's going to eat the lawyer?" "He's going to eat the gallimimus?" "He's going to eat the game warden?"
12. Bring a replica of Samuel L. Jackson's severed arm and drape it around your shoulders. At a quiet moment in the movie, pretend it's trying to feel you up and exclaim, "Oh! Mr. Arnold!"
13. Every time the T-rex appears, ask with new excitement: "You have a T-rex?"
14. Every time a raptor appears, ask with disdain: "You bred raptors?"
15. Hum along with John Williams' score at every opportunity.
16. If your companion exits to go to the bathroom at any point during the movie, hysterically scream, "He left us! He left us!"
17. When Ellie and Muldoon find Gennaro's severed body and say, "I think this was Gennaro..." "... I think this was too," jump up and point at the floor and scream, "I THINK THIS WAS TOO!"
18. Bring your own Jell-O. Whenever something particularly suspenseful happens, raise a quivering spoonful of Jell-O in front of your face and stare forward with a look of great fear.
19. When the dilophosaurus spits on Dennis Nedry, spit on the patron to your right. She'll thank you for that immersive 4D effect.
20. When the brachiosaurus sneezes, sneeze on the patron to your left. He'll also thank you.
21. When Lex taps a spoon on the floor to distract the raptors in the kitchen scene, tap your own spoon on the floor. If someone protests, just say, "What? I'm helping!"
22. Every time someone meets a cruel end at the hands (or claws) or a dinosaur, raise your fist and exclaim: "People. Are. Dying!"
23. When the lights come up at the end of the movie, stand and announce to the theater that you have decided "not to endorse this park."
How do you plan to celebrate the rerelease of Jurassic Park?