Is that the sound of a T-rex stomping its way toward us, or is Amanda Bynes back behind the wheel of a motor vehicle? The dinosaurs of Jurassic Park have insatiable appetites for destruction and leave a wake of chaos and fear wherever they go. Sounds a little like some of our favorite stars, right?
If we were casting Jurassic Park today, we might skip the tricky practical effects and hold off on the expensive CGI, because some of Hollywood’s most notorious stars could just as easily take those dino roles. They're larger than life, already used to being gawked at, and many of them should probably be contained behind an electrified fence. What could possibly be more fitting?
As part of our "Park Week" celebrating this Friday's release of the Spielberg blockbuster in 3D, check out our dinosaur casting ideas for an all-star Jurassic Park!
1. Chris Brown as Tyrannosaurus Rex
Jurassic Park’s T-rex is the mother of badass dinosaurs, stomping, crushing, and biting its way through each of the movies. It terrorizes two young children in a car, tears a man in half, and takes a nice big chomp out of a few of its fellow dinos, too. Chris Brown seems to have gone at least a few days without his explosive temper making headlines, but we have a feeling we’ll see it again before too long ― and after window-smashing tantrums on Good Morning America, outrage against valets, a scuffle with Frank Ocean, and of course, that thing with Rihanna, he’s definitely the T-rex of the celebrity crowd. (We wouldn’t put it past him to swallow an entire goat in one gulp, either.) You never know just when he’ll strike next, but if your water glass starts vibrating and you hear thunderous footsteps in the distance, just keep still. Because Breezy can’t see you if you don’t move…
2. Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Rachel Korine & Ashley Benson as Velociraptors
What’s a former goodie-two-shoes to do if she wants to be taken seriously as a grownup actress? Hook up with a quirky indie director for a nudity-drenched, drug-fueled crime spree, of course. (Clever girls!) These former Disney darlings are currently showing off their bad girl sides in Spring Breakers, and we can only assume it’s going to get worse from here. They travel as a pack, are seemingly unstoppable, and they manage to be everywhere all at once… we wouldn't put it past them to rip a man to shreds for fun. As the gamekeeper of Jurassic Park once said, “They should all be destroyed.” Let's just hope they never figure out how to open doors…
3. Justin Bieber as Dilophosaurus
At first, the treacherous Dennis Nedry wasn’t spooked by the dilophosaurus who stopped by his car one rainy night. “I thought you were one of your big brothers,” he told the baby dino. “You’re not so bad.” Wrong, Nedry. Dangerous things can come in cute, small, innocent-looking packages, as Justin Bieber’s recent reign of terror has made clear. In the past few weeks, Justin has threatened the paparazzi and been charged with assaulting and spitting on his neighbor, making him perfect to play the black venom-spewing dilophosaurus. And, considering dinosaurs don’t wear clothes, we know he’d have no problem doing the whole movie in the nude…
4. Anne Hathaway as Brachiosaurus
Unlike most of these other deadly dinos, brachiosaurus is a gentle and graceful creature… just like Anne Hathaway! Dr. Grant, Lex, and Tim are charmed by the whale-like songs of the brachiosaurus, just like the Academy was charmed by Anne’s singing in Les Miserables, and since she’s a vegetarian there’s no worry that she’ll go all velociraptor on us. (Though she just might sneeze on you.) “How do you know they’re all female?” Ian Malcolm asks in Jurassic Park. “Does somebody go out into the park and pull up the dinosaurs' skirts?” Well, we’ve already seen up Anne’s skirt, so we’re sure about this one.
5. The Kardashians as Gallimimus
On their way back to the Visitor’s Center, Alan, Tim, and Lex encounter a flock of galimimus fleeing from the T-rex. There’s a whole huge herd of them, they’re impossible to tell apart ― and as a dinosaur species, there’s nothing particularly notable about them. Perhaps the ever-growing Kardashian family could be convinced to cameo as gallimimus in Jurassic Park ― Kim is fond of showing off her legs, even when pregnant, and even T-rex might have trouble "keeping up with the Kardashians" if they were a flock of fast-moving dinosaurs. (Except the slowest one, who gets eaten by a T-rex... sorry, Kim, but right now, that's you.)
6. Beyonce as Stegosaurus
In The Lost World, Julianne Moore’s character gets excited about snapping some photos of a baby stegosaurus ― the way the paps get excited any time there’s a rare glimpse of Blue Ivy. But then, uh-oh ― mom gets angry! The mother stegosaurus viciously attacks the offending photographer. Seeing as how Beyonce’s pride and joy barely even appeared in her own “tell-nothing” documentary, Bey’s overprotective mothering seems perfect to channel into the role of stegosaurus. Nothing says “Sasha Fierce” like a tail with spikes on it, after all.
7. Angelina Jolie as Pteranodon
Maternity is a surprisingly strong theme in the Jurassic Park movies. In Jurassic Park III, Alan Grant & co. found themselves in a giant “bird cage” filled with these deadly winged predators. One picked up a little boy and flew him up to a nest, hoping to feed him to its brood of screeching babies. Few in Hollywood have an array of children like Angelina, and we wouldn’t totally put it past her to snatch up another child at any minute. Plus, only her thin celebrity body would be weightless enough to be supported by those wings…
8. Lindsay Lohan as Sick Triceratops
Lindsay isn’t exactly a reliable presence on set these days, so she can’t be cast in a more dynamic role. Perhaps LiLo would prefer one where she’s lying down and ailing, so she could easily roll into work as hungover as she pleases. Triceratops can certainly be a deadly creature with those protruding horns, but in Jurassic Park, it’s totally incapacitated and needs to do no work whatsoever, which is perfect for Lindsay! Of course, scientists may have to inspect her droppings for evidence of “poison berries” (or whatever she’s ingested that made her feel this way), but at this point, what does she have to hide? Being exiled to a remote island in Costa Rica is just what she needs to stay out of trouble. Her "lockdown rehab" could easily be behind an electrified fence... and it's not like she's too busy with other roles, seeing as her film career is all but extinct.
9. Nicki Minaj vs. Mariah Carey vs. Lady Gaga vs. Madonna as Spinosaurus
Frankly, we can’t decide which diva should be cast as the biggest dinosaur of them all. Spinosaurus appeared in Jurassic Park III and kicked even T-rex’s ass (even though T-rex is still way more badass than spinosaurus in our book). Gaga and Nicki have certainly looked the most like dinosaurs in some of their more outrageous getups, and we’ve seen how Nicki and Mariah can throw down in a battle of the divas. (Gaga and Madge have had their differences, too.) But could anyone take on the billionaire Queen of Pop? Hard to tell, so we say: why not just throw these ladies in a ring two at a time and let them have at it? It’d probably end up looking something like this…
Check out our other "Park Week" posts here!