What does it take to please Amanda Bynes?
Judging from the amount of people she’s called “ugly” (and worse), Amanda must have higher standards than just about any human being on this planet. As part of the alarming meltdown she’s documenting herself via Twitter, the Hairspray star has been using social media to attack fellow celebrities, news outlets, paparazzi, the police ― many of whom are primarily just showing concern about her mental health.
But here at Hollywire, we're all about the bright side and spreading positivity. So in case anyone’s feelings are bruised from their virtual run-in with the wigged-out starlet, we’re paying a compliment or two to all those she’s insulted, hopefully to remind them that maybe Amanda Bynes isn’t exactly the last word on who’s ugly…
What Amanda Said: "Ugly face." (with photo)
What We Say: Would an "ugly face" be able to marry one of the most beautiful women on the planet? Jay, you're possibly the most talented rapper in the game and many in the business and outside of it look up to you. Plus, you have a lovely family and you're even buddies with the leader of the free world. Basically, everyone in this country envies you, face and all. There's nothing ugly about living your dream!
What Amanda Said: To Complex: "Ur d*ck whipped by my ugly ex who's looks and talent have always been questionable to me, him being the ugly duckling that he is and all... My music is going to be sicker than whatever the f*ck kind of music Scott tries to do."
What We Say: Actually, Kid Cudi, your music is pretty sick! You're rather handsome, despite Amanda's claims, but you're also a creative guy who takes risks with his music, not content merely going down the most conventional routes. Plus, we admire you for giving up marijuana so you can be more focused and productive... something Amanda should maybe look into.
What Amanda Said: "you're ugly! Police weren't at my house old lady! Shut the f--k up!" & "Aren't u 50 years old? I'm 27, u look 80 compared to me! Why are you talking about me?"
What We Say: Amanda eventually retracted her tweets by calling Jenny "beautiful" (change of heart much?), but in case there's any residual sting, let us tell Jenny: you look damn good for forty, and do not look a day over 35 even compared to Amanda.
What Amanda Said: Plenty. But the latest (and worst) is today's: "no one wants to suck your d*ck! Stop living! Kill yourself! I look sooooo much better than the girl you hired to look like an awful cheeky version of me! So I'd say F*ck You but no one wants to! I just say keep living in your sh*tty existence leaching off of stars who you look, sound, and act nothing like!"
What We Say: Sure, you've been guilty of saying unkind things to people, and some may find this just a case of karma coming back. But we certainly don't wish death upon you, so don't stop living. Just be the bigger man and rise above!
What Amanda Said: "Hot to the left and Ugly @drake to the right."
What We Say: Talk about mixed signals. First Amanda tweeted that she wanted Drake to murder her vagina, along with other come-ons. But then she changed her mind, apparently. So Drake, if you're reading this, don't be disheartened. You're actually totally vagina-murderable. Really. Ladyparts everywhere would be happy to have you commit first-degree homicide on them. Amanda's just a little unstable these days, and can't be trusted to stay consitent in her tastes in genitalia killers.
What Amanda Said: "Millionaires do thing less desperately than average folks like you. I have so much money that I'm giddy all day, every day. Not needing to work again is far more impressive than any of your ugly writers careers."
What We Say: Ouch. That one really hits home. But entertainment writers, take pride: at least (most of) you can spell and string a coherent sentence together, unlike some on social media...
What Amanda Said: "Chris Brown beat you because you're not pretty enough... unlike your fugly faced self I don't do drugs! U need the intervention dog! I met your ugly face in person. U aren't pretty u know... you look so ugly tryin to be white."
What We Say: If Rihanna is on drugs and Amanda is not on drugs, then perhaps we should all be on a lot more drugs. Amanda later retracted this tweet and said it was a fake (she's big on claiming such things), calling Rihanna "beautiful." Honestly, RiRi, we don't know how to buidl your confidence up any more than it already is, but Chris' issues are his own, and we've never for a second thought you were "tryin to be white."
What Amanda Said: "That's not my bed! Those aren't my toes! My toes are pedicured! I just did an exclusive interview with intouch last week, now they bought fake altered photos by that ugly black man in the photo or someone who knows him!"
What We Say: Amanda has insulted many photographers lately, including the one who tried to pull a scarf off her head. She also had unkind words for the man in these photos, apparently a party guest who she accused of doctoring photos of her apartment. Knowing little about these people, all we can really say is that Amanda's potentially racist comments reflect more poorly on her than they do the people she's speaking about.
What Amanda Said: "Courtney Love is the ugliest woman I've ever seen. To be mentioned by her at all makes me and all my friends laugh!"
What We Say: Those are some harsh words, to be sure. But Courtney, you've survived your own hot mess years and come out more or less on top. Plus, you're still a big fixture in '90s music history, which is pretty awesome. And we all still rock out when we hear "Celebrity Skin," a song we think even Amanda would dig with those lyrics...
What Amanda Said: "Ur not a pretty model compared to me. I signed to Ford models @ age 13. I don't look up to u beauty wise. I'm far prettier than u! I'm offended that you're saying I have a mental illness when I show no sign of it, but thankfully not one man that wants me wants you and you are an old ugly model compared to me! You look 45! You're not pretty so I'm not intimidated by you! I think you're jealous that you're just an ugly model whos career is uninspiring! I don't respect you! You're no beauty queen! I'm a beauty queen!"
What We Say: Well, you're a model, so you probably don't need our validation. But you definitely don't look 45 or even 35. And the fact that you and Amanda don't have to compete over the same men isn't a bad thing, since any man who is looking to date Amanda Bynes right now clearly has issues of his own to work out...
What Amanda Said: "I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal... Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn't let me. The cops were creepy." & "I want my case dropped as well. His punishment will be being the cop who sexually harassed someone who would never find him handsome enough to be my boyfriend. That's worse than any time in jail."
What We Say: It's hard to imagine that any fine upstanding policemen from the NYPD actually slapped Amanda's vagina, particularly because we don't even know what that means. You guys do a tough job that's bound to make some people unhappy, but wouldn't the city be creepier if there were no NYPD at all? Not being handsome enough to be Amanda's boyfriend should actually comes as a relief, and given her high standards of beauty, we're not sure any person on the planet is good-looking enough for Amanda's tastes...
What Amanda Said: "I ignored Lance Bass on twitter and now he is saying I have a mental illness. Sorry you're an ugly ex boy band member w/ no talent or career."
What We Say: Actually, Lance, you have a stronger career right now than any other former bandmate (except Justin Timberlake, obviously), especially since you came out as gay. Boy bands are back in, so being an "ex boy band member" is hardly an insult. And you're certainly not the worst-looking member of N'Sync, either!
Which of Amanda's "ugly" victims do you feel most sorry for?
(We'll be updating this as Amanda presumably calls more and more people "ugly.")
Photos Courtesy of Fameflynet