Hollywire's Bluth Week rages on!
We’re getting seriously close to the premiere of the brand-new season of Arrested Development, with 15 full episodes deposited to our Netflix all at once. While many fans may devour it all in one sitting, it might be wiser to savor it a little more slowly, since there’s no guarantee we’ll ever get more AD.
There have been rumors of an Arrested Development movie for ages, but no confirmation from the creators or cast, especially because their busy schedules make it near-impossible to get them all in one place at the same time. But hey, does an Arrested Development movie really have to star the original cast?
Just in case it doesn’t work with amazing comedic actors we’ve grown to know and love, here are some Hollywood players we think could fill in for the Bluth clan quite nicely… based on their personal lives.
Lindsay Lohan as George Sr.
Could LiLo really play a man in his 50s or 60s? Well, she played Elizabeth Taylor in her fifties and didn’t even wear makeup, so we think she’d be up to try. (Plus, that smoker's voice is sounding more and more masculine by the day.) Obviously, George Sr.’s many illegal activities landing him in prison is a pretty close parallel to Lindsay’s own time behind bars, and like George, she has one majorly dysfunctional family. She’s also attempted all kinds of antics to get out of paying for her crimes ― from finding excuses to turn down various rehabs to feigning being “sick” ― as George frequently tried to wheedle his way out of prison, through means legal and otherwise. George’s “Caged Wisdom” sounds a lot like Lindsay’s platitudes that she thinks this is the best thing for her. Like George, we have a feeling she’ll never really learn her lesson or admit her culpability. (Let’s just hope she stays away from White Power Bill.)
Mark Heller as Barry Zuckercorn
If Lindsay plays George Sr., then naturally, Lindsay’s incompetent lawyer Mark Heller is going to be Barry Zuckercorn, the onetime Bluth family lawyer that had a pretty shaky grasp on California laws. Mark hailed from New York and wasn’t really licensed to practice in Cali, which didn’t serve him or Lindsay particularly well. She’d be better off represented by Bob Loblaw.
Amanda Bynes as Lucille
We’re not sure a martini is Amanda’s substance of choice, but like Lucille, we’re reasonably certain she depends on something to keep her going throughout the day. Amanda has said on Twitter that she has an eating disorder ― just like Lucille’s choice breakfast of “vodka and a piece of toast” ― and also lives well above her means, believing she has “Olsen twins money” despite the fact that she hasn’t had any apparent income for years. But the main thing that makes Amanda remind us of Lucille? Her refusal to accept criticism. Lucille's “I won’t hear it and I won’t respond to it” seems to be Amanda’s mantra as well, at least when she isn’t threatening to sue every magazine for not using her hideous Twitter photos.
Charlie Sheen as Gob
He’s from a wealthy family who has received their fair share of scrutiny from the press. He’s a notorious womanizer with a bit of a temper and even more of an ego. And he has recently fallen from grace in the eyes of the media. Whether or not he’s a “black sheep” depends on how exactly you measure that, since Charlie is definitely getting more attention these days than Emilio Estevez. Charlie’s claims to be a warlock sound an awful lot like Gob’s obsession with magic, and we can totally believe that Gob would convince himself he’s got tiger blood and Adonis DNA. And we’re willing to bet the phrase “I’ve made a huge mistake” has run through Charlie’s head more times than he can count.
Paris Hilton as Lindsay
Like Paris, Lindsay is lucky she was born into the wealthy Bluth family, since she doesn’t have any discernible talent to keep her afloat otherwise (besides spending money). She’s blonde and pretty, but totally unaware that she’s past her prime and her days as a cute young socialite are numbered, and any ventures she makes at earning her own income are immediately squandered by her vanity, materialism, and other vices. Despite her current relationship with 21-year-old Spanish model River Viiperi (11 years her junior), we have a feeling she’ll end up married to a closeted gay wannabe actor who’s using her for access to hot social events ― because honestly, who else would ever marry Paris Hilton?
John Travolta as Tobias
And speaking of closeted gay men... we’re not saying John Travolta is gay ― nor would we claim that Tobias is. All we know is that certain evidence could lean in that direction, and that everyone seems to think it regardless. We’ve seen him dancing disco in tight white pants in Saturday Night Fever, sporting leather in Grease, dressed in drag in the Broadway musical adaptation Hairspray, and ditching his wife and kids to spend Christmas with Olivia Newton-John in his atrocious music video. There’s all kinds of gossip that his marriage to Kelly Preston is a sham, just as Lindsay and Tobias’ marriage has seen a sad lack of intimacy. Plus, anyone who has seen Battlefield Earth can imagine John botching an audition as bad as Tobias. Serious question: is it possible John Travolta is a Never-Nude? And has he ever tried to blue himself, or does he ask a masseuse to do it?
Britney Spears as Buster
It’s Buster, bitch! Buster should, under no circumstances, be left to take care of himself… and neither should Britney Spears, apparently. When Buster sticks close to Lucille, things are (relatively) normal, but Buster never learned to be an independent, competent adult, so when he attempts to strike off on his own, disaster strikes. Buster once tried to strike out on his own and ended up losing a limb to a seal, while Britney's act of rebellious resulted in the loss of her hair. Her recent engagement to Jason Trawick felt something like an icky father-daughter relationship since he was her conservator, kind of like Buster’s romance with his mother’s doppelganger Lucille Ostero. Like Britney, Buster is best kept coddled and secluded from any challenges or disturbances from the real world. In other words: leave Buster alone!!
Daniel Radcliffe as George Michael
Why so serious? It’s a question you could ask George Michael Bluth or Daniel Radcliffe any day of the week. Both had a lot of responsibility at an early age ― George Michael working at the banana stand, Daniel carrying the biggest movie franchise of all time ― and neither seems to have any desire to act out or misbehave as other teens/child stars do. Mostly, Daniel just seems to want to work… in pretty serious roles… with the most scandalous thing he’s ever done being a job, his role in Equus, which required nudity. (Let’s not forget George Michael also had to be naked in front of an audience once… kind of.) As far as we know, though, Daniel has no inappropriate feelings for any of his relatives.
Willow Smith as Maeby
How old is Willow Smith? 35? 36? You’d probably think she was at least in her mid-twenties based on her confident and unique sense of style, her strong singing voice, and her overall presence. But nope. Like Maeby, Willow was born to rich parents and grew up pretty fast (possibly because they were in an open relationship, as Lindsay and Tobias attempted at one point). Willow has yet to display Maeby’s rebellious streak, but she’s young ― give her time. We have no doubt Willow could walk into a movie studio exec’s office and convince him that she’s an adult, landing a movie deal in the process.
George Clooney as Michael
And the man holding this crazy clan together? George Clooney, of course! Is there a more put-together guy in Hollywood? We have a feeling the whole place would go to hell if not for George, who brings a touch of old Hollywood class to an industry otherwise dominated by charlatans, hacks, and psychos. Michael is the only thing stopping the Bluth family from completely imploding, yet his own love life is a minor disaster as well; like Michael, George is a perpetual bachelor who gets plenty of interest from comely ladies but never quite seems to make it last. Maybe that’s because he’s always putting his energy into helping everyone else, from his work on Obama’s campaign to his involvement in Darfur and other humanitarian causes. Basically, he’s just a good guy.
Of course, we can’t neglect the recurring guest stars who are an integral part of the Arrested Development universe…
Rihanna as Kitty Sanchez
Perpetually on spring break. Hooking up with people she definitely shouldn’t be. Displaying her body parts constantly, often at inopportune moments. Yep! That’s RiRi.
Any Jolie-Pitt Child as Annyong
Brad and Angelina have adopted more than one moppet from a foreign nation, bringing a less-fortunate foreign kid into a life of madness and luxury just as Lucille did for poor Annyong.
Daniel Day-Lewis as Gene Parmesan
The master of disguise! Daniel wins Oscars constantly for completely disappearing into his roles, just as Gene Parmesan pops up when the Bluths least expect him in a variety of costumes.
Madonna as Lucille Ostero
Now in her fifties, she’s a total cougar ― and we’ve seen her fall down on more than one occasion. A touch of vertigo there, Madge?
Chris Brown as Carl Weathers
Remember that time Chris got into a fight with a valet over $10? Okay, so Breezy probably wouldn’t save a bone that had a little bit of meat on it for a stew, but like Carl, he seems to get off on his own badass image and should probably have been shuffled off into obscurity after his assault on Rihanna.
Donald Trump as Stan Sitwell
Need we say more?
Beyonce as Maggie Lizer
Is she pregnant? Is she faking? There’s no way Bey can be as flawless as she pretends to be. This has got to be a con.
Jessica Biel as Ann Veal
We have only one word to explain this correlation: “Her?”
Which Hollywood Bluth do you think is most apt?