Nick Carter bravely opened up to Ellen about his alcohol addiction on today’s show. He talked about how it had gotten so bad that if he didn’t get help he would have died. It was a very intense interview where at moments he had to pause and take some deep breaths.

Nick said that he has now replaced drinking with working out, sports, and playing video games. Here are some hightlights form the show:

Nick on his drinking: I would either go out at night or party [while on tour with the Backstreet Boys]. I didn’t do a lot of morning drinking or anything of that sort. It would sort of be an occasional thing, but a lot of occasions that I would kind of make excuses to just go out to drink and party. It would be excessive.

Nick on the drugs: Drugs kind of came later in life. Alcohol kind of kicked it off and then, once the alcohol kind of wasn’t doing it for me, I would lean on other things.

Nick on the consequences of his actions: I got the DUI and I realized that it was wrong. I decided to go and sort of punish myself. I went to the classes, did the community service and did everything that I was required to do. Then I would end up in a situation where I was like, ‘Ok well, I’ll stop for six months,’ and then after that, I would feel like it’s OK to get back into it, and sort of fool myself in a way.

Nick on being a better person: My goal in life is to be the best person that I can be and try as hard as I can. I make mistakes, but…I realize that I’m human and…I don’t punish myself for those mistakes. [I] continuously try to be that better person.