#1 Movie To Avoid This Week (...and every week) - 'Donkey Punch' Review...

Posted on January 23, 2009 - 3:22am by michael Holy crap. It's not often that a movie comes along that is so morally vacuous that it approaches a level of violent stupidity so intricately bad that it is absolutely not enjoyable on any level. But when it does happen, and it has happened with this movie, it makes my job seem incredibly difficult because I have to sit here and try to write a professional film review when I know without a shadow of a doubt that three simple words would suffice - DON'T WATCH IT. But if you would like to know why, please continue reading.

First of all, let's brainstorm about what makes a violent thriller entertaining, shall we? You need to have an engaging story, something that moves at a brisk pace and maintains interest without relying on the violence to push it along. You need to have not only believable characters but characters that we care enough about to invest our emotions in their well-being, and you need to have a catalyst operating beneath the surface that drives the characters on screen to commit whatever violent acts take place in the movie. Donkey Punch has none of these. Not even a little bit.

There is, of course, a lot to be said about violence in the movies. Some say there's too much, some say movies are movies and no movie violence is going to change who people are or entice people to commit violent acts, and some people are just violent movie-hounds and can never get enough. Whatever your personal opinion, I tend to think that we can all agree that at the very least, movie violence should have a point, right?

Not this movie.

Donkey Punch gives us a film populated with morons, perverts, rapists and idiot college girls, not a single character worth a scrap of thought or interest, and then asks us to care when they start killing each other off. A group of college-girls meet a group of college-age guys at a European resort and, hungry for some adventure stories to take home from their European vacation, immediately accept a shady offer to come touring the Mediterranean Sea on a luxurious yacht to which one of them happens to have access.

Anyone with two brain cells working at the same time would hav hesitated for at least a few seconds before accepting such an offer from a bunch of crusty guys like these, but no matter. If nothing else, the immediacy of the acceptance will pretty quickly and thoroughly paint the picture of what the rest of the movie is going to be like. Everyone wants to have sex with everyone else, and while taking turns with the blonde not far into the movie in a drug-crazed orgy, when one guy convinces another guy to try out a little sex move called the "donkey punch."

I won't waste your time explaining what it is. It doesn't matter, it's just a plot device needed to supply the cast with a dead body so that they can spend the rest of the movie kiling each other off as they struggle to figure out who can be trusted and who should just be killed. There is not a scrap of realism in the movie, not an iota of clever dialogue or impressive acting, and the by-the-numbers ending does nothing to boost the mood of genuine depression that permeates the entire movie. This thing is a waste in pretty much every way imaginable. Avoid it.

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