It’s not so much that future generations will look back to 2009 at the phenomenal cultural success of the Twilight movies, so much as the series’ current, fanatical fans will probably look back in ten years or so and wonder why they loved the movies so much themselves. And therein you have the reason for the enormous success of the films so far. It’s not so much that they’re bad movies, they’re just more of a cultural phenomenon than they are good movies. Like the craze some years ago over things like Tickle-Me Elmo or Pogs. I remember Tickle-Me Elmo’s being sold for nearly $2,000 to desperate shoppers, and pogs were the obsession of an entire generation, just like the Twilight movies are now. But ten years from now, will these movies be as thoroughly forgotten as Elmo and pogs?

Not long ago, Stephen King received some public backlash from Stephanie Meyers’ fans when he suggested that she “can’t write worth a darn,” and while I think his words might have been a little on the harsh side, I can’t help agreeing that the movies have more than their share of weak screen-writing. But despite any perceived shortcomings, the first movie summarily snapped up the imaginations (and emerging sexualities) of an entire generation, and the first sequel in the series is no different. And I would even argue that New Moon is better than the first movie, despite opening with a preposterous line like, “These violent delights have violent ends, and in their triumphs, die. Like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume…” That single line is enough to make any attentive parent forbid their kids to watch the thing.

So anyway, this time, Edward has give in to the torture of being around Bella but not being able to be with her and leaves town with his family, who agree that it’s the best thing for both of them. Jacob Black takes the opportunity to swoop in and attempt to follow through on his own knee-weakening feelings for her, but Bella is torn between her developing feelings for Jacob and her longer-standing love of Edward, whose absence has induced her to become a life-threatening adrenaline junkie. So while the first movie celebrated teenage sexuality and encouraged promiscuity, this one encourages high school girls and boys to nurture suicidal thoughts upon the ending of their first relationship. Not the most comforting progression, I should think.

But that’s my only real complaint with the movie, by the way. It runs well over two hours, which seems to be far longer than the material could sustain, but surprisingly enough it never lags or gets boring. The entertainment level is high, even for me, and I’m more than a decade older than the target audience. But like the first movie, if I can sound like a parent for a minute, the messages that it gives to teenagers is about as unhealthy as anything I can imagine. New Moon attempts to convince teenagers that the difficulties of high school romances are important enough to throw your life away over. Personally I tend to believe that most teenagers feel that way when they’re in high school, and then 5 years or so later laugh at themselves for having been so naïve. Stephanie Meyer surely must realize this, but nevertheless, after Edward leaves, Bella sinks into a crippling depression for months on end and seeks bursts of adrenaline – the only thing that really makes her feel close to Edward anymore – through such charming activities as hopping on the back of some 40-ish biker’s motorcycle or jumping off cliffs. All this and not a single “don’t try this at home, kids!”

But as far as the story, when the script occasionally breaks away from moody duets about Bella’s paralyzing awesomeness, there are actually some pretty good moments. I’m generally not impressed by CGI animals, especially dogs (see Roland Emmerich’s The Day After Tomorrow, or I Am Legend, for example), but the wolves in New Moon are actually pretty convincing, even when they fight, and that’s no small accomplishment. There’s also a thrilling foot race through the streets of old Italy and some great locations in the film’s climactic scene that remind me of the classy awe of locations that would fit a Dan Brown story – also not something that I expected to see in a Twilight film.

Ultimately I can’t count myself a huge fan of the films just because I have no interest in the books and the stories aren’t meant for me anyway. They are written and filmed for teenage girls, which is why most of the film involves Bella struggling to choose between two ridiculously handsome teenagers, both of whom are dangerous and fascinating and constantly professing their immortal love for her (and it’s also why there are so many scenes with Taylor Lautner and half of the rest of the cast running around shirtless). So yeah, the movies aren’t for me, but who am I to say that teenage girls shouldn’t have movies made to make them drool over a heartthrob or two?

Oh, and keep your eye out in the last 12 minutes or so of the movie for a horribly miscast Dakota Fanning, who may have discovered the only role that she can't play.

For all the movies with pointlessly topless women, who are we to complain about something made for the fairer sex?

I would, however, have thought it would be wise to aim for a slightly older audience when the stories are so saturated in this smoldering sexuality, but no matter how shallow some older moviegoers will find the films to be, the girls squealing in the audience whenever Taylor Lautner or Robert Pattinson come onscreen seems like enough happiness to justify making the things. I can’t say much for the lasting power of the movies, but New Moon has now officially raked in more money than any other film this year, so clearly the kids are loving it.

I just hope that from here on out, they can maybe take note of things like the fact that teenage girls are, in fact, cutting their very necks open and asking Robert Pattinson (the smelly actor, not the moody vampire) to suck their blood. Are these really the people you want to show movies about a teenage girl begging to be killed because she can’t have the boyfriend she wants?

The Bean Meter