So let me see if I can just break down really quick what kind of movie this is. First of all, is you were to take the word “motherf**ker” out, it would shorten the movie by a full third of the running time. Take out all the profanity, you’re down 60%. And take out all the cardboard caricatures of African American drug dealers and hardened criminals and you probably wouldn’t even be left with the closing credits. I wouldn’t know because I didn’t make it quite that far. I consider it professionally dishonest to review a movie without seeing it from start to finish, but for the time being I don’t have access to American movie theaters and the internet browser that I was using to watch this mess crashed about ten minutes before the end of the movie and I just couldn’t bring myself to try to care enough to bring it back up.

You see, Next Day Air is basically what you would get if you were to combine Friday, Half Baked, Menace II Society, and maybe some cheap heist movie. Daylight Robbery, perhaps, except even dumber. Oh and throw in one single act of mind-boggling stupidity that is almost – but not quite – on the same level as the one that led to the events of the freaky 2003 film Open Water.

The plot – A shipment of drugs worth hundreds of thousands of dollars or more is coming in from Central America, being delivered to some guy in his apartment. The Puerto Rican sender displays a prodigious level of ineptitude by managing to get his six or seven figure shipment into the hands of some generic Fedex flunkie, who carelessly delivers the box to the wrong address and sets off World Gang War III. But you can’t really blame him, of course. You see, the poor guy’s boss is his mom and she’s threatening to fire him, so clearly he has far too much on his mind to be able to get even the simplest thing about his job right.

What follows is 80 minutes or so of a lot of black guys pointing guns at each other and saying motherf**ker this and motherf**ker that and If they try ANYTHING they gon’ hafta KILL me! and blah blah blah blah. Take some sleeping pills on your way into the theater. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

Hey I got an idea, let's all point guns at each other and shout out random, cliched profanities. That'll eat up some time...

Remember a few months ago when some nutcase in LA tried to sue Miley Cyrus for taking a picture where she was slanting her eyes like an Asian person? Yeah, in case you forgot, the lawsuit was for $4 billion. That’s $4 BILLION ($4,000,000,000) for a single photograph. Can I ask a serious question? Why is it that no African American interest groups ever seem to get the attention of the media to criticize filmmakers who give us entire films populated with nothing but black and latino drug dealers and murderers?

I’m not sure who should be more offended – the Puerto Ricans, who are the ones who smuggle the drugs into the country in the first place, or the blacks, who steal the drugs from the Puerto Ricans and try to sell it onto the streets themselves.

And the worst part is that a light-hearted stoner comedy starring Mos Def and Donald Faison as a couple of guys working in some FedEx-type company is a premise with unlimited opportunities for comedy, and they just blew it by going into completely the wrong genre. You know, there are two things that really frost my ass. One’s a snow-cone about three feet high, and the other is when people have a great idea and they take off running in the wrong direction, leaving us with some crap like this.

Mos Def has a couple amusing moments in the movie but that’s all it has to offer, man. Seriously, that’s it. Then again, director Benny Boom is not a filmmaker, he’s a hip-hop producer with little directing experience at all other than some rap videos, so it is to be expected that characters presented by him would care about nothing beyond their shiny new Escalades.

How did Cadillac get involved in this mess? I have no idea, but I do know how you can stay out of it. Skip this movie without a second thought, and also skip Obsessed, the other complete waste of time now showing in theaters across this great country. Go see Star Trek twice instead.

5 USED beans out of 5.