Vampires and Lycans Show No Signs of Getting Along - 'Underworld 3' Review...
You may remember that Kate Beckinsale was featured even more prominently on the poster for Underworld 2 than she was for the original movie. Now, almost three years later, you might notice that the poster for the third installment in the series features Bill Nighy in full, cadaverous glory.So the reason Bill Nighy’s character, Viktor, the vampire king, is not only featured so prominently on the movie’s poster but is also alive again (you may remember that he was spectacularly dispatched in the first film) is because, as promised by the studios, this is “the prequel you’ve been waiting for.” This is, of course, studio talk for “this movie will answer all your Underworld questions” and “no, Kate Beckinsale isn’t in it.” The rest of the cast, however, human and mechanical alike, are in their best form, so it’s surprisingly easy not to miss her.
I’ve watched both previous Underworld films within the last two days, and the close proximity of the two movies reminds me of how amazingly similar they are in story and appearance, so I anticipated more of the same with part 3 and I was hardly disappointed. Fans of the series are sure to get a kick out of this obligatory extra movie, although it was hardly justified given the first two. Maybe I’m a callous, modern American movie-goer without the necessary attention span, but I just wasn’t really feeling the need for another two hours about the war between the werewolves and lycans.
[caption id="attachment_20297" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="The King himself, casually enjoying a delicious goblet of, um, what must be a wine cooler. Yeah, maybe a wine cooler..."]
[/caption]At any rate, when it all started, the vampires were in control. They ruled the lands and the werewolves were their slaves, they were used to protect and build the vampire kingdom. The werewolves are unable to ever take human form, however, because of the collars they are forced to wear around their necks, and Viktor holds the key. But since slave societies have an understandable tendency to eventually organize and revolt against their oppressors, it’s safe to assume that Viktor’s authority is soon to be challenged.
Lucian, the Lycan leader that we met in the original film (the one that Viktor and everyone else didn’t believe could possibly still be alive), although a slave himself, has been amassing a rebel Lycan army and, with the support of his true love Sonia (Viktor’s vampire daughter), he declares a war against the vampires that will last for centuries.
[caption id="attachment_20298" align="alignright" width="300" caption="For all of the movie's faults, I was glad to see this guy back. Even after that goofy voice thing he did in the original movie, I missed him in Part 2."]
[/caption]The movie has exactly the same look as the first two movies, although Beckinsale and her husband Les Wiseman, the director of the first two movies, have taken off, leaving directing duties to Patrick Tatopoulos, who has never directed a feature film before but who has an astonishing list of credits in the special effects and art departments.
And his work shows, too. He knows how to create great horror creatures, and the movie takes place in an undisclosed but effective enough corner of the medieval world, where their uppity Shakespearean language doesn’t sound quite so out of place as it did in the previous two movies, when they were surrounded by cell phones and handguns and high technology.
[caption id="attachment_20299" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="See? See? Listen man, I appreciate the effort, really. But it's just not happening! You're not scary!"]
[/caption]Unfortunately, the werewolves and vampires are still played by human actors, and the movie is unable to get past that ancient horror hurdle created by the fact that humans pulling their lips back to reveal fangs is simply not scary. It never has been and it never will be.
And that colored contact lens thing, man. Don’t even get me started on that. I can’t shake the feeling that that was a goofy cliché back in the late 90’s. Marilyn Manson stretched that as far as it would go but it’s over now! Move on!
In fact, hold on a second –
“ATTENTION MOVIE STUDIOS – COLORED CONTACT LENSES IN ANY MOVIE, IN ANY GENRE, WILL NEVER EVER EVER LOOK LIKE ANYTHING OTHER THAN COLORED CONTACT LENSES. PLEASE MAKE A NOTE OF IT.”
Ok, sorry, I just had to get that out. But on the other hand, at least they’ve stopped doing that thing where a vampire will hold a victim at arm’s length, stretch their mouth open as wide as possible, and slowly move their distended jaws down to the exposed neck so the camera can get a sufficient shot of the fangs so that anyone who might have gotten up to get popcorn will make it back before the fangs are off screen. As a professional film critic, I have to be able to put up with a lot at the movies, but the next time I see that little trick I’m walking out of the theater.
[caption id="attachment_20301" align="alignright" width="300" caption=""Father knows best, young lady. You hear me? Undead or otherwise!""]
[/caption]There is a curious debate raised by the fact that for a good portion of the film, Lucian carelessly blows away his own kind, the lycans, by rationalizing that they are simply mindless beasts, despite the fact that their behavior clearly displays intelligence. There is something to be said about that rationalization, but I don’t care to go into it here because it will no doubt make my review prohibitively long and then no one will really care to read it anyway. Hopefully I’m not there already.
Suffice it to say that Underworld 3 is a fan’s film. There are films that are brilliant critical successes, there are films that are popular successes, and there are films that fail spectacularly in both arenas but remain genuinely loved by die-hard fans. And it’s not hard to see where Underworld 3 belongs.
The Bean-Meter!
I'm still at a loss to explain why he loved the second movie so much, but Bean seems pretty tired of it all by now. All he had to say about Underworld 3 is, "Look how hot Rhona Mitra is in real life!"
You dog!
