It’s not so much that future generations will look back to 2009 at the phenomenal cultural success of the Twilight movies, so much as the series’ current, fanatical fans will probably look back in ten years or so and wonder why they loved the movies so much themselves. And therein you have the reason for the enormous success of the films so far. It’s not so much that they’re bad movies, they’re just more of a cultural phenomenon than they are good movies. Like the craze some years ago over things like Tickle-Me Elmo or Pogs. I remember Tickle-Me Elmo’s being sold for nearly $2,000 to desperate shoppers, and pogs were the obsession of an entire generation, just like the Twilight movies are now. But ten years from now, will these movies be as thoroughly forgotten as Elmo and pogs?

Not long ago, Stephen King received some public backlash from Stephanie Meyers’ fans when he suggested that she “can’t write worth a darn,” and while I think his words might have been a little on the harsh side, I can’t help agreeing that the movies have more than their share of weak screen-writing. But despite any perceived shortcomings, the first movie summarily snapped up the imaginations (and emerging sexualities) of an entire generation, and the first sequel in the series is no different. And I would even argue that New Moon is better than the first movie, despite opening with a preposterous line like, “These violent delights have violent ends, and in their triumphs, die. Like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume…” That single line is enough to make any attentive parent forbid their kids to watch the thing.

So anyway, this time, Edward has give in to the torture of being around Bella but not being able to be with her and leaves town with his family, who agree that it’s the best thing for both of them. Jacob Black takes the opportunity to swoop in and attempt to follow through on his own knee-weakening feelings for her, but Bella is torn between her developing feelings for Jacob and her longer-standing love of Edward, whose absence has induced her to become a life-threatening adrenaline junkie. So while the first movie celebrated teenage sexuality and encouraged promiscuity, this one encourages high school girls and boys to nurture suicidal thoughts upon the ending of their first relationship. Not the most comforting progression, I should think.

But that’s my only real complaint with the movie, by the way. It runs well over two hours, which seems to be far longer than the material could sustain, but surprisingly enough it never lags or gets boring. The entertainment level is high, even for me, and I’m more than a decade older than the target audience. But like the first movie, if I can sound like a parent for a minute, the messages that it gives to teenagers is about as unhealthy as anything I can imagine. New Moon attempts to convince teenagers that the difficulties of high school romances are important enough to throw your life away over. Personally I tend to believe that most teenagers feel that way when they’re in high school, and then 5 years or so later laugh at themselves for having been so naïve. Stephanie Meyer surely must realize this, but nevertheless, after Edward leaves, Bella sinks into a crippling depression for months on end and seeks bursts of adrenaline – the only thing that really makes her feel close to Edward anymore – through such charming activities as hopping on the back of some 40-ish biker’s motorcycle or jumping off cliffs. All this and not a single “don’t try this at home, kids!”

But as far as the story, when the script occasionally breaks away from moody duets about Bella’s paralyzing awesomeness, there are actually some pretty good moments. I’m generally not impressed by CGI animals, especially dogs (see Roland Emmerich’s The Day After Tomorrow, or I Am Legend, for example), but the wolves in New Moon are actually pretty convincing, even when they fight, and that’s no small accomplishment. There’s also a thrilling foot race through the streets of old Italy and some great locations in the film’s climactic scene that remind me of the classy awe of locations that would fit a Dan Brown story – also not something that I expected to see in a Twilight film.

Ultimately I can’t count myself a huge fan of the films just because I have no interest in the books and the stories aren’t meant for me anyway. They are written and filmed for teenage girls, which is why most of the film involves Bella struggling to choose between two ridiculously handsome teenagers, both of whom are dangerous and fascinating and constantly professing their immortal love for her (and it’s also why there are so many scenes with Taylor Lautner and half of the rest of the cast running around shirtless). So yeah, the movies aren’t for me, but who am I to say that teenage girls shouldn’t have movies made to make them drool over a heartthrob or two?

Oh, and keep your eye out in the last 12 minutes or so of the movie for a horribly miscast Dakota Fanning, who may have discovered the only role that she can't play.

For all the movies with pointlessly topless women, who are we to complain about something made for the fairer sex?

I would, however, have thought it would be wise to aim for a slightly older audience when the stories are so saturated in this smoldering sexuality, but no matter how shallow some older moviegoers will find the films to be, the girls squealing in the audience whenever Taylor Lautner or Robert Pattinson come onscreen seems like enough happiness to justify making the things. I can’t say much for the lasting power of the movies, but New Moon has now officially raked in more money than any other film this year, so clearly the kids are loving it.

I just hope that from here on out, they can maybe take note of things like the fact that teenage girls are, in fact, cutting their very necks open and asking Robert Pattinson (the smelly actor, not the moody vampire) to suck their blood. Are these really the people you want to show movies about a teenage girl begging to be killed because she can’t have the boyfriend she wants?

The Bean Meter

The Stepfather poster. The only improvement on the original film!

So I had a little problem right off the bat going into The Stepfather. Passionate, slow-motion make-out scenes with high school kids totally creep me out, which alone might be enough to make it impossible for me to enjoy a movie like this. On the other hand, the two high school leads are played by actors in their mid-20s, so at least there’s that. The Stepfather is the latest 80s horror/thriller remake from J.S. Cardone, the same guy who brought us the dumbass remake of Prom Night last year and is now anxious to continue his efforts to convince the world that he doesn’t have a single original idea rattling around in his head.

The original Stepfather attained a cult status and featured a brilliant lead performance by Terry O’Quinn (better known now as John Locke from “Lost“)that was effective enough to warrant two sequels. Now, director Nelson McCormick has turned an almost classic thriller into standard, direct-to-video fare. Luckily it has a good cast (ok, one guy), so I guess that’s why it was released in theaters.

So here’s the plot. Dylan Walsh (who you know better as Dr. Sean MacNamara from “Nip/Tuck”) plays David Harris, a.k.a. Grady something-or-other, a man who murdered his family and then turned it into something of a habit. He’s the bad guy and eventually he gets found out. I can tell you that without ruining anything because you’ve seen the preview, so you already know he’s the bad guy. The appeal of Terry O’Qiunn’s performance in the original film was the way he appeared so friendly and normal until his family began to “disappoint” him and the rage came out. Walsh’s performance is passable, but too obvious.

The Stepfather. Not to be confused with The Lodger, another crappy thriller from earlier this year.

You will literally spend the entire movie waiting for his latest family of victims to figure out what’s going on. Sadly, if you’ve seen the trailer for The Stepfather, you’ve seen the movie. You could really save yourself some time here.

But despite the movie being almost amusingly predictable, I did like how well Dylan Walsh fit the character of the murderous step-dad. He portrays a man who fits the textbook serial killer profile perfectly; He’s good-looking, he’s charming, women love him, and he’s totally freaking nuts. Unfortunately, he’s surrounded by a cast that is just about as boring as any you could possibly assemble. His newest wife is Susan, in a thoroughly uninspired performance from Sela Ward. I somehow managed to immediately recognize her as Richard Kimble’s murdered wife from The Fugitive, but in this movie her performance is so uninspired that she’s nearly indistinguishable from her inexplicably lesbian boss.

Penn Badgley, a good-looking and clearly talented actor, is horrifically miscast as Susan’s son Michael, who is meant to be such a delinquent that he’s had to be sent to military school. Yeah, right. Badgley is a good actor and he effortlessly commands the screen, but he can’t even come close to portraying a character like that. He’s just not, you know, screwed up enough. And then, of course, there is my favorite. 23-year-old Amber Heard as Kelly, Michael’s girlfriend. Oh Lordy, Amber Heard. She’s a veteran of both Zombieland and Pineapple Express, two of the funniest movies of the last two years, but she serves not a single purpose in this film other than to run around in a bikini or her underwear, simultaneously looking incredibly sexy and intensely, almost painfully boring.

You want to be interested in seeing this cute blonde gallivanting around almost totally naked, except she’s so skinny that she’s about as sexy as a 12-year-old boy, and yet director McCormick parades her bony frame across the screen like we’re supposed to drop our jaws and drool over her angular, skeletal features.

But YOU remember my name, right Michael? Right? Honey...?

But even worse, McCormick presents her as a faceless, instantly forgettable cookie-cutter hottie, just like he did with the entire cast of Prom Night last year, where you couldn’t even remember the names of their characters after the movie ended. Don’t believe me? Well, let me remind you – her name’s Kelly. See? You forgot after a single paragraph.

The most lasting impression that the movie left me with was the feeling of how badly Hollywood’s in need of a new look. Not Hollywood itself, but the people in the movies. Maybe the single most important reason that movies look so fake is because no studios are casting real people. I don’t mean people who look like some random guy off the street (like the bad guy in Prom Night), I mean people who aren’t so obviously the result of extensive casting sessions looking for the most Beautiful People. This, coupled with horrific screenwriting, is why the movies never get high school kids right, for example. They never act right, and they never look right, they always look like nothing but a bunch of no-name actors, and The Stepfather is such a perfect example of this that it succeeds in the prodigious feat of taking actors that you do know and turning them into faceless characters. Sad.

Also like Prom Night, The Stepfather is an uninspired plodding through ancient horror clichés (yes, they even managed to squeeze in the prehistoric and invariably ineffective Screeching Cat Scare), this time even aspiring to come across as a garbled conglomeration of scenes removed straight from other movies and dropped into this one.

Michael is about to learn why you should never trust a man who has a freezer this big in his basement.

Had you the time and/or inclination, which I don’t, you could probably identify every single scene in the movie in previous, equally boring sex thrillers at your local video store. For now, I’ll just point out that the movie’s climactic scene is literally almost a shot-for-shot plagiarism of the closing scene of the original Halloween.

I might as well admit that, in general, I support modern remakes of older movies. Even though the remakes are almost never as good as the original films, I enjoy reimaginings of classic stories, and I think sometimes it’s good to bring that kind of attention back to movies that deserve more recognition. But there are times, like with The Stepfather, when the remakes are just too obviously thrown together to make money, with no interest in doing justice to the original film, much less improving on them.

The Bean Meter

In 1978 a little known director named John Carpenter created the hulking character of Michael Myers in Halloween, a low-budget slasher film that went on to become one of the most successful independent films ever made. There are countless theories about why Myers became such a captivating character, but whatever the case, the Halloween franchise is one of the longest running and most successful horror series ever made, and there is no end in sight. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing is up for debate, but the films have taken a noticeable turn for the better since Rob Zombie, director of this Friday’s Halloween II, took over the series in 2007. So, before you go see Zombie’s latest installment in the prodigious slasher series, here is a quick tour through the history and films of one of the cinema’s most famous masked killers. And not only will I give you a quick idea of what each film is about, I’ll tell you which ones are good and which ones are bad, and why.

1. Halloween (1978)

Let’s skip the obligatory praise, we all already know that the original Halloween is among the greatest horror films ever made, but what’s so great about it? One of the first things that appeals to audiences about Halloween is it’s simplicity, it’s relentless pace, and that unforgettable film score. Alfred Hitchcock made monumental cinematic achievements by putting ordinary people with ordinary lives in extraordinary situations, and Carpenter has done something very similar with his original Halloween film. But instead of normal people in thrilling situations, Carpenter went straight for the jugular and placed a vicious, deadly threat in a wholesome, realistic environment.

Halloween was the highest-grossing independent film ever made at the time of its release and has gone on to generate an almost unparalleled cult following, which is fitting because Michael Myers, as a character, represents a manifestation of what was known about making effective horror antagonists. He gets under our skin and commands our attention and fear because of the effect the results from the combination of Carpenter’s relentlessly paced direction, the unique use of lighting and shadow in the film, the music, the editing, and, maybe most importantly the rest of the characters. It is quite possible that the difference between a good slasher film and a bad one is something as simple as the characters, many of whom are in the movie just long enough to be killed. When you have paper thin characters being killed by a faceless killer, there’s no way the movie is going to be any good. But if you have well-written and acted characters who come across as real people, as you do in Halloween, well now you’ve got something…

So here’s the plot that started it all – 6-year-old Michael Myers stabbed his 17-year-old sister to death and was institutionalized under the care of a Dr. Sam Loomis. 15 years later, a few days before Halloween in 1978, Michael escapes from the institution and disappears. Dr. Loomis, having treated the silent Myers for many years, has a unique understanding of the darkness behind his eyes and the emptiness of his soul, and is thus the only one who understands that Michael is going to go back to Haddonfield to kill again.

Myers, referred to only as “The Shape” in the original film, embodies the stolid mass and unstoppable power behind other classic horror characters like Dracula and Frankenstein, and has inspired everything from an endless stream of cheap horror films to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s performances as The Terminator. The film was, in fact, such a surprising and overwhelming success that it almost immediately sprouted a line of sequels, not all of which, as we’ll see, were well-guided…

2. Halloween II (1981)

In October of 1981 Halloween II was sharing the cineplexes with the likes of Friday the 13th Part 2 and The Evil Dead, so it’s natural that they should respond to the clear audience demand and significantly increase the gore factor. Sadly, high volumes of blood aren’t enough to even come close to the original. The movie picks up the minute the first films ends, with Michael disappearing after having been shot six or seven times and being thrown over a second story balcony. Unfortunately, it’s not long before Michael makes his way to a darkened and deserted hospital, one of horror’s most overused clichés, and the movie quickly descends into little more than a series of creative and mildly interesting death scenes.

The big revelation of Halloween II is that Laurie Strode is actually Michael’s real sister, which is meant to add a new dimension to the proceedings but also has the unfortunate effect of slightly humanizing Myers by removing some of his inhuman aura and even causing a little unintentional comedy since it wasn’t that long before this film that Luke learned who his real father was. Questionable family relations didn’t really fare well for the Halloween series, and the drop in quality and audience response from the first to the second films partly inspired the misguided third film in the series, but thankfully it wasn’t long before Myers stalked back onto the screen.

3. Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

The black sheep of the Halloween family, Halloween III was an effort to turn the series into something of an episodic horror series in the vein of “The Tales From the Crypt,” a televised series that told unrelated stories in each episode. Unfortunately, audiences were furious at the bizarre transgression in the series and felt cheated. The film was a bitter failure on top of the fact that it was cranked out with such speed that it’s theatrical release ended up competing with Halloween II, which was still newly released itself. It has been said in retrospect that the film might have done well on its own had it simply been called Season of the Witch and thereby not associated at all with the Halloween films, although I don’t know that that would have helped much either, given that the movie has nothing whatsoever to do with witches…

Basically it’s a about a toy manufacturing mogul who decides to market and sell hugely popular Halloween masks which, when worn in front of the TV during the company’s commercial, will respond to the broadcast music by turning the heads of anyone wearing them into masses of creepy crawlies. No word on why he wants to kill millions of children, but you can imagine the deaths are bizarre, so at least there’s that. Thankfully, when Halloween 4 was released 6 years later, it was clear that the filmmakers had learned their lesson!

4. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

In one of the most fitting titles of all of the Halloween films, the third sequel features the much anticipated and highly demanded return of Michael Myers. Unfortunately, it was also at this point that a lot of legal battles began behind the scenes over who had the actual ownership of the series and could therefore determine the direction that it took. This is not surprising, of course, because Part 4 was an enormous popular success and was also the film that really solidified Michael Myers as a formidable cinematic presence and showed how powerful the Halloween formula was. Even now, five movies later (and not always good ones), that power still hasn’t faded.

Halloween 4 focuses on Jamie Strode, Laurie’s daughter (Laurie has been killed in a car carash) takes over the role of Michael’s target. The explanation for Michael’s absence in Halloween III is that he’s been in a coma as a result of the events of the first two films, but now he’s back and even stabbier than ever. It’s a debatable development in the evolution of Michael Myers that he has graduated from an ever-present butcher knife to things like neck crushing and pulling heads off and shotgun stabbing (yes, shotgun stabbing), but The Return of Michael Myers came along at a powerful time in the horror world. The same year that this movie was released we saw the releases of nothing less than Return of the Living Dead Part II, Friday the 13th Part VII, Critters 2, Beetle Juice, Brain Damage, Necromancer, Elvira, Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Phantasm II, Monkey Shines, A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4, Child’s Play, Scrooged, and Hellraiser 2!

5. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Meyers (1989)

Rushed into production before the script was even completed, Halloween 5 was another example of the overzealous churning out of a Halloween film. Part 5 was among the least successful of the series despite such an effort to satisfy the audience’s bloodlust as to have initially achieved an X rating for violence. Jamie, Laurie’s daughter from the last film, is being treated in Haddonfield’s children’s hospital after her horribly ironic behavior at the end of Part 4. She hasn’t spoken a word since the event, and its revealed that she may have some kind of telepathic link to Michael, who has been in a coma again but has woken up again to go after her again. But this time, as they say, the town, and Dr. Loomis, are ready for him.

Halloween 5 was an ambitious project as far as new things being tried in the series, and unfortunately some of them were a little too far-fetched. I’m not sure that the addition of kids to the series was such  good idea, but I will say it was better than more teenagers. Danielle Harris gives a satisfactory performance as Jamie but has nevertheless come to be little more than a footnote in the series as a whole.

6. Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

It makes sense that the sixth installment in the Halloween franchise should be titled The Curse of Michael Myers, because at this point we are going to need some kind of explanation for how he is able to keep coming back form the dead after being killed, with increasing convincingness, at the end of each film. Believe it or not, none other than Quentin Tarantino actually wrote a original script for Halloween 6 that sadly didn’t end up getting filmed, but ultimately the pre-productiong devolved into another legal battle over who would direct the sixth film. Miramax and New Line Cinema, of Freddy Krueger fame, were competing for production rights, and Miramax ended up getting the bid to produce the film.

But the problem with the movie is that novice screenwriter Daniel Farrands decided to provide us with an explanation for why Michael never died. It’s true that this answers the questions that were on a lot of peoples’ minds, but it also provides an insight into the character of Michael Myers that actually makes him less interesting as a screen presence. Part of the appeal of him in the first place is the mystery that shrouds him, the unexplained blankness behind his mask which, once understood, ceases to be a threat, or at least to have the same effect as before. And it also doesn’t help that the life had drained out of the series by this point and director Joe Chappelle just didn’t know how to keep the proceedings interesting (and was rumored to be more interested in getting himself a three-picture deal with Dimension Films than in furthering the Halloween saga), resulting in one of the most disappointing installments in the entire series.

7. Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

The proliferation of the internet ad its first effect on the Halloween series with H20, which even gave fans an opportunity to vote and comment on which direction they would like to see the series take. It seems to me that this would take away some of the mystery and suspense, but needless to say, the response was overwhelming. Some fans even wrote and filmed their own Halloween films. But the idea for the film ultimately came from Jamie Lee Curtis, who suggested to John Carpenter something of a reunion, to go back to the origins of the series.

Carpenter wasn’t interested in bringing the movies back to life, but the loss of Donald Pleasence as Dr. Loomis (Pleasence died shortly after completing filming of Halloween 6) was counterbalanced by the return of Curtis to the role of Laurie Strode. It seems that in order to escape the horrors of being pursued by her brother, Strode faked her own death and changed her identity. And left her daughter to be terrorized and killed in the Parts 4 and 5? Not really, because strangely enough, H20 is written and marketed to take place just after Halloween II (the first Halloween II), so it’s essentially supposed to be the second sequel in the series.

Things are getting a little complicated now, but the important thing is that by this point in the series it’s pretty much out in the open that the movies are products intended to make money, so more focus is put on the entertainment value rather than creating cinematic milestones, which isn’t really possible by this point in any franchise. In other words, it’s not a classic, but Halloween is entertaining again.

8. Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Halloween H20 featured the first effect of the internet on a Halloween film, but it’s Resurrection that centers itself entirely around the internet. It seems that none other than Busta Rhymes has set up a webcam operation inside the original Michael Myers house with plans to have six adventurous teenagers into the house. Michael soon shows up and is unimpressed with the publicity stunt and lots of blood and havoc ensues. It’s notable that the movie is called Resurrection, because Myers was beheaded at the end of H20, leaving audiences with the feeling that the series had finally been officially ended after an even 20 years running, but as they say, there’s always a way to explain characters returning from the dead in more movies, and the Halloween’s just hadn’t stopped making money yet.

The presence of paper-thin teenage character ensures that there isn’t going to be a lot of depth to the new movie, but this is the first time that the fourth wall has been breached and we are looking at the story from the perspective of real people, meaning the characters in the movie are fans of the Halloween movies. Unfortunately, they shot for a wider audience with the addition of Busta Rhymes and more comic relief, but even though the Halloween movies definitely seemed to have lost their edge, Resurrection is far from the worst installment in the series, and five years later Rob Zombie would sign on to bring the series back to the gritty meanness where it started, and where it belongs.

9. Halloween (2007)

Rob Zombie hadn’t started directing films when Resurrection was made in 2002 (he made House of 1000 Corpses, his directorial debut, the following year), otherwise he would have been the obvious choice to take over the series. It’s always a bit of a controversial move to remake a classic, there are always going to be a section of the audience that will condemn it automatically even without knowing a thing about it, but it is Zombie’s lifelong love of horror films that comes through in his remake of the original film and allows it to stand on its own.

The movie focuses more on the character of Michael and gives us more insight into who he is and why than any previous film, and it does it without removing the mystery or otherwise giving away all the answers and rendering the whole thing uninteresting. Through his musical career and his previous directing efforts, Zombie has developed a highly stylized horror vision and a sense of how to put together the right ingredients in the right amounts to make even a remake into something memorable. Rather than simply give away the secrets of who Michael is, he shows us the reality of his life, thereby rendering him an almost sympathetic character and, most importantly, making the killings more realistic as well. And since Zombie has done the popular thing and started those pesky numbers over from 1 again, here’s hoping that his new beginning of the series will bring us some of his unique style in some original stories. I’d certainly be interested to see them come up with something fresh and original in a Halloween film, so keep your eyes out for it this weekend!

10. Halloween II (2009)

I actually know very little about the plot of the new movie to come out this weekend, which is often the best way to go when anticipating a new film in a series like this. So for now, I’ll just give you this curious quote from Rob Zombie in the unfortunately disappointing documentary Halloween: 25 Years of Terror –

“[Sequels] are not meant to be good films, they’re just meant to cash in on a franchise, because they know that horror fans are so desperate to watch horror movies and love them so much that they’ll go see a sequel knowing it’s a piece of crap.”

I don’t know that Halloween II is going to be a piece of crap – I doubt very much that it will be – but it’s good that Zombie has this understanding of the genre in which he’s working. And more importantly, he loves this stuff,and his genuine love for horror comes across in his movies and has only done good things for him before, so I see no reason why it should stop now…

Neither Ron Howard nor Dan Brown nor probably anyone involved with The Da Vinci Code really made many friends with the authorities of the Catholic Church with that movie, so it comes as some surprise to me that Howard would have been offended, even if just a little bit, when he was denied access to the Vatican for filming the sequel, which was published before The Da Vinci Code but takes place after. It does seem, however, that they are being a little more careful this time, or at least more respectful. The Catholic Church has denied all “real-life” (or whatever you want to call the reality of organized religion) relevance of the movie, passing it off as a “harmless entertainment” that really poses no threat to the Church.

So that’s nice, right? I’m glad to see Hollywood and religion in general not at each other’s throats, you know? It’s a little refreshing, and it makes this movie even more interesting because it’s all about the ancient war between science and religion in the first place and the Church’s epic, historical cover-up(s) of the truth. Of course, the truth a pretty elastic term when it comes to religion (which this movie mentions is not God but what man says about God), and I’m glad to see that the new movie, Angels & Demons, seems more interested in entertainment, as it should be, than in making any earth-shattering revelations about the meaning of life.

There is an interesting and tense scene in the first act of the movie where Robert Langdon, who we met in The Da Vinci Code, is asked whether or not he believes in God. “I don’t think my mind can grasp the reality of the existence of God,” he says. “What about your heart?” he is asked. “My heart is not worthy.” These are very carefully guarded questions, the kind of thing that a non-believer would say to someone that he doesn’t want to offend, but he shows genuine respect when asked about his faith. “Faith is a gift that I have yet to receive.”

The movie starts out, believe it or not, exactly the same way as Innerspace. Remember that movie? Classic! After a sequence describing the recent death of a progressive and well-like Pope, we are taken to a “Large Hadron Collider” (by the way, I just typed “Hadron” but accidentally reversed the ‘d’ and the ‘r.’ Oops!) which collides some, ah, hadrons, I suppose, and creates and captures some “anti-matter,” which is capable of causing devastating explosions. This becomes important later. The bad guys rush in, steal a vial of anti-matter, and threaten to rain biblical, as it were, destruction on all of Rome, vaporizing the Vatican if it’s demands are not met.

Who are these people? The Illuminati, another ancient mythical cult like Opus Dei from the first film. What are their demands? I’m not sure, the movie doesn’t take much time to go into such things before the desperate race against the time bomb to Armageddon starts ticking. But we do learn that historically the Illuminati have always been composed of doctors and philosophers and scientists and so have always been dedicated to scientific truth, and since the Church wasn’t so into that idea they became enemies pretty early on. Langdon and his side-kick, this time a Vittoria Vetra, one of the scientists from the Hadron Collider, are now faced with the task of deciphering ancient clues to find the location where those Illuminati thugs have hidden the ticking vial of anti-matter.

Essetially the movie is a desperately paced race for them to unlock the secrets of a long and ancient trail of clues within the Vatican in order to reach the bomb before it explodes and vaporizes a large chunk of Rome. I’m not sure why the Illuminati would take the time to place it carefully at the end of this trail of clues, but it provides for a great excuse for a breathless chase that takes up most of the second half of the movie, and I would certainly by lying if I said it wasn’t entertaining and exciting.

I think the problem with both The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons is that they both deal with subject matter that is so massive in the modern global society that there is no possible way that any movie could really fulfill the expectations of the audience, particularly the audience that knows something about the real history of it all. Yeah, you can pick these things apart into little pieces if your really want to, but as good popcorn entertainment I think they are both great movies, if a little on the long side. Neither of them are spoken from the throne of God himself, but if you want to go to a movie and have a good time, you could certainly do a lot worse than both of them. And especially at a time when we have sad messes like Next Day Air and Obsessed dominating movie theaters across the country, this one comes highly recommended. If you’ve seen Star Trek and X4, of course…

4 Beans out of 5.

"I will direct Basic Instinct 3 if it's the last thing that Mario Kassar does!!"

So I feel like every time I turn around I am reading about another addition to a long dead movie franchise, epitomized recently with my discovery that Steve Guttenberg is working feverishly on Police Academy 8. It comes as a breath of fresh air then, to hear about someone going public with plans not to make a movie, as Basic Instinct producer Mario Kassar did recently.

Plans were in motion, with a completed script and everything, to tur Basic Instinct into a trilogy, but the project was officially scrapped a couple weeks ago in response to the fact that Basic Instinct 2 was a public and critical train wreck.

Sharon Stone mentioned that she had read the script for Basic Instinct 3 and liked it, but that she wanted to direct it herself.

“There’s a script for the next part of the story – but I would like to direct it rather than star in it. It will be filmed in the U.K. again as the setting is more intense and gritty.”

Stone as never directed anything before, although she is taking the helm of a film called Never Change, about a “nurse resigned to spinsterhood” who is caring for her high school crush, who is now suffering from brain cancer. The movie is in such an early stage of production that not a single cast member is yet listed, although the movie is slated for release later this year.

I may be wrong, I just learned about this movie about three minutes ago, but it seems to me that if Sharon Stone is playing an aging nurse who’s high school crush has brain cancer, it might not be such a good idea for her to take on the smoky role of Catherine Tramell again. Of course, with my luck it will turn out that Stone is not even playing the main character herself, but nonetheless, this seems like a pretty smart movie by Mario Kassar…

I know, they all make perfect sense except for that last one, right? Well, in accordance with the ongoing remake craze, Rob Zombie is continuing with his second generation of Halloween movies with the curiously titled H2, and he has just cast Weird Al Yankovich as a television talk show host in the new movie. There are a lot of people for whom Rob Zombie can do no wrong, but also a lot of people for whom he can do no right. Personally I’m a huge fan of Rob and a huge fan of Halloween, which I consider to be one of the best horror movies ever made, and I think the addition of Weird Al to the cast of the newest Halloween movie is perfectly in step with Zombie’s tendency to bring from the past the things that he loved while he was growing up himself. But will the Halloween movies ever die?

H2 is set for release on August 28th, 2009.

Okay ladies and gentlemen, so before you go check out Crank 2: High Voltage this weekend, here is a quick recap of what I consider to be the best roles Jason Statham has had in his short but meteoric career. Disagree with my choices? Well, you can either hide your resentment in a hard little ball at the back of your mind or scroll on down to the bottom of the page to the comments section and badmouth me to your heart’s content. Enjoy!
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5. The Transporter (2002)

Now why would Jason Statham’s longest running and potentially most popular franchises come in last place? Well, mostly because I’m still a little put off by the fact that Frank Martin’s ultimate romantic involvement was with a freckly redhead with a  bad accent. Not that there’s anything wrong with freckles except that they makesher look like she’s about 11 years old. Frank Martin is hard as nails, why would he go for such a girl? Nevertheless, the character of Frank Martin in The Transporter movies is one of his most famous roles, so can’t be overlooked. The first film is the best of the three as far as the brand of straightforward hardcore action that Statham is best known for, and even though the series took the expected steps down with each successive sequel it is still a franchise that gleefully indulges us in what Statham does best – stone-faced ass kicking!

Transporter trivia – The trailer for the first movie showed a scene where Frank Martin deflects a missile with a tea tray, but Jason Statham requested that it be taken out because he didn’t think audiences would believe it. No word yet on why he didn’t have a problem with the scene in part 2 where he gets a bomb off the bottom of his car by launching it through the air and, while upside-down, hooking the bomb neatly onto a nearby construction crane…

4. The Bank Job (2008)

In this outstanding bank heist movie, Statham plays Terry Leather, a car salesman in debt to a brutal loan shark. When approached with an opportunity to get out of debt by simply robbing a bank, he’s unable to resist. The movie is based on the true 1971 story of a bank robbery that led to an enormous cover-up due to the discovery of some scandalous stuff that would have embarrassed a lot of powerful people were it to become public. This Leather and his gang of cronies find themselves in a position to make some enormous demands from hugely influential people who don’t want their names tarnished by his discovery of their secret lives. How exactly true it is remains uncertain because the real case is so shrouded in mystery, but the movie provides such a convincing case for what possibly happened that it has a ring of truth that makes it one of Statham’s more fascinating movies. The hard-core action takes a back seat to a good story in this one, but Statham still has a powerful presence and gives a performance that is much better than many of the straight-forward action stars of the past.

Bank Job trivia – Director Roger Donaldson said that one of the most difficult days of filming was when they shot the scene in the brothel. Upon arriving on set, he discovered that most of the women had shaved their genitals, which was uncommon for the early 1970s, so he had to have them wear pubic wigs called “merkins,” which kept slipping out of place and caused Donaldson “much aggravation.” Poor guy!

3. Crank (2006)

Okay, so this article is really supposed to get you all psyched about this weekend’s release of Crank 2: High Voltage, but the reality is that there are two other movies that I personally consider to be better than the first Crank film, although Crank is definitely Statham’s highest octane, adrenaline fueled action extravaganza. It wastes no time and pulls no punches, and now that there is a sequel coming, I guess we can lay to rest that weird confusion about the end of the first movie where a lot of people were for some reason confused as to whether or not Statham’s character died at the end. It always seemed pretty obvious to me (and was one of my favorite parts of the movie), but now it seems we have our answer!

Statham plays Chev Chelios, a man injected by a curious “Beijing cocktail” of some kind of synthetic poison that will kill him as soon as his heart rate drops below a certain point. Sort of like Speed but with a man instead of a bus. It’s a preposterous murder attempt that could only be dreamed up by an action movie screenwriter, but man what a great excuse to send Statham tearing through the streets (and hospitals) of Los Angeles in his frantic attempt to seek revenge before he drops dead! This is hardcore action at its most basic, but with a front man like Jason Statham the movie isn’t even slowed down by his ridiculous girlfriend, who has the approximate I.Q. of a raisin. This one is a must-see, and not only because the sequel is about to come out!

Crank trivia – The guy in the hospital who suggests that Chelios get his epinephrine from nasal spray is Chester Bennington, better known as that dude who sings for Linkin park.

2. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)

I know I’m gonna get some grief for putting this one at #2 since it was Jason Statham’s first film and also kicked ass, but I’m doing it anyway. Lock, Stock was the film that really launched the career of British badass Guy Ritchie, but I still think he made some improvements on his next writing and directing effort, Snatch.

Statham plays a character curiously named Bacon who moves among the low-lifes of London in what might be an overly complex plot involving gambling debts and porn kingpins not above hiring men with names like Barry the Baptist to employ amputative methods to collect payments. The plot is highly confusing and demands multiple viewings, but luckily it is so well written and acted that it’s good enough to see several times. I have to admit that I have always thought the title was a little goofy, but it definitely stands at the top of the list of hard boiled British action comedies.

Lock Stock trivia – Vinnie Jones, also in his acting debut, was released from police custody on the same day that he started filming for this movie. He had been arrested for beating up his neighbor.

1.    Snatch (2000)

Jason Statham, Brad Pitt, Guy Ritchie, Vinnie Jones, and Benicio del Toro. If ever the action genre comes to be in some kind of trouble, these are the guys that could be called on to save it. Some consider Snatch to be a bigger budget remake of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, but it has such good additions and such a good story that it easily stands on its own. Statham plays Turkish, once again operating amongst British low-lifes, this time dealing with rigged boxing matches, stolen diamonds, man-eating pigs (yeah, you read that right), and a curious brand of gypsies known as Pykies. Brad Pitt plays an unintelligible character named Mickey O’Niell. No one can really understand a word of what he’s saying, which tells you something about the structure of the movie, since the entire plot revolves around him. This is a snappy and brilliantly written action movie, with crisp dialogue that speeds along even when you can’t understand much of what’s being said. It has to be one of the best British gangster movies ever made and is populated with brilliantly written characters, the best of which has to be Brick Top. “You want sugar in your tea?” “No thanks, I’m sweet enough!” Classic!

Snatch trivia – A lookalike had to be used for Bullet Tooth Tony in the scene outside Brick Top’s Bookies where Vinny and Sol are about to give him the diamond. Vinnie Jones couldn’t come to the set that day because he was in jail again for fighting. Nice work!

Note: When you go see Crank 2 this weekend, keep your eye out for this Art Hsu, who plays Johnny Vang, one of the film’s villains. This guy is on his way up…

Honorable Mention

The Italian Job

War

Cellular

Chaos

So there are a few new pictures out there for those of us waiting with baited breath for Rob Zombie’s second Halloween movie. One is this poster which, just so you know, is an “unofficial” poster, although it looks pretty good to me. If they come up with something better than this I can’t wait to see it!

Although as you know, the whole movie has been recast. For obvious reasons the original cast members can’t take on their roles. You see, the movie will take place immediately where the original ended, and it is now remarkably difficult for 50-year-old Jamie Lee Curtis to pass for a teenager, and the casting department were also unable to secure an agreement for the role of Dr. Loomis from Donald Pleasance, who passed away in 1995.

Laurie Strode will be played by Scout Taylor-Compton and Dr. Loomis will be played by none other than Malcolm McDowell, both of whom also played their respective roles in Zombie’s 2007 Halloween film.

But the newest addition is the young actor Chase Wright Vanek, who has recently been cast to play the part of the young Michael Meyers, replacing the delightfully sinister (and much more experienced) Daeg Faerch, who took on the role in the 2007 film.

Chase Wright Vanek, the new young Michael Meyers.

Also, here is the only thus-far released still shot from the movie, which shows a long-haired Michael Meyers stalking through the dark streets of Haddonfield. If you ask me, the picture looks nothing like Michael Meyers, who is often simply referred to as “The Shape” (and what’s that thing he’s carrying, a purse? grocery bag?), so I’m hoping that the sneak peeks get better soon!

Yes, it’s true. Even after the sheer ridiculousness that the endless sequels have already reached, epitomized by the spectacular train wreck Mission to Moscow, it seems that Steve Guttenberg is attempting to jump-start his long-dead career with another Police Academy movie. As you know, we recently celebrated the 25th anniversary of the original release of the original movie (well, someone celebrated it, I’m sure), but I can’t imagine that this is any reason to keep churning out sequels, is it? At what point did the Police Academy series officially become a joke? I don’t know exactly, but it was years ago.

How about a quick recap of some recent and upcoming bad sequel ideas? The obvious ones were the resurrections of Rambo and Rocky, although both of those turned out to be good. Good work, Stallone! I hope you’re coaching Guttenberg on getting back in blue in his ill-advised upcoming project! (by the way, did I mention that Stallone has already signed on to direct Rambo 5 and a Rambo 6 is rumored?)

Thus far I’ve only seen the first half of Die Hard 4, although so far so good. I’ll get around to the rest of it eventually. Indiana Jones was recently brought back to life with the disappointing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but if Harrison Ford can’t pull off the long-overdue and totally unnecessary sequel, what hope does Guttenberg have?

Leslie Easterbrook (the one on the left), one of the only original cast members to have signed on for Police Academy 8. She doesn't look busy.

But there’s hope, at least Guttenberg isn’t as thoroughly delusional as another Steve – Seagal, who hopes to set Under Siege 3 in SPACE. Hell yes! If you already know you can’t make a good movie, go for the worst movie you can possibly turn out! We’re rooting for you Steve! See if you can surpass Against the Dark for pure, unfiltered crappiness! I believe in you!

Yes, that’s right, Under Siege 3 is officially coming to a theater near you, as is Police Academy 8. Although if I might be so bold as to venture a prediction, I’m going to go ahead and suppose that the “theater near you” is going to be the one in your living room. Seagal and Guttenberg in first-run theaters? Right. Not while the sky’s still blue.

But here’s hoping, right? For now I’ll let you digest all that good news about upcoming movies, but stay tuned next week when I will give you some more details about Guttenberg’s plan to make another Three Men and a Baby movie while the public foams at the mouth for what we really want, another Short Circuit! Johnny 5 is alive!!

About six weeks ago it was first revealed that Scarlett Johansson had signed on to play the role of Black Widow in Iron Man 2, and the general response from fans was incredulous disappointment. Scheduling conflicts prevented Director Jon Favreau’s first choice, Emily Blunt, from taking the role, so Johansson was considered instead.

When you look at the pictures, it’s not hard to see why fans were initially disappointed to see that Johansson would take the role, although in the more recent pictures below it seems that the resemblance is coming along nicely.

Personally, I am more concerned with the fact that Black Widow is a Russian superspy named Natasha Romanoff, and there are few things that I hate more than well-known celebrities doing fake accents (hear that, Nicholas Cage?). Scarlett is a good actress, but she is so all-American and I just don’t think she quite has what it takes to sell a Russian accent. What do you think?