Okay, before I tear into this movie, I should mention that I’m actually a pretty big Nicholas Cage fan. But like John Travolta, Nicholas Cage has a lot of die-hard fans and a lot of people who can’t stand him and relatively little in between. But love him or hate him, he’s just not a serious action star, despite constantly starring in action movies. He’s like a slighly more Hollywood-ized version of Jean Claude Van Damme (another of my personal heroes, of course), with slightly less punching.

Once again, Cage plays a role that doesn’t even remotely fit him - an ultra-lonely assassin who’s work carries him all around the world but prevents the development of any kind of social life, romantic or otherwise. Oh, and it also comes with all sorts of rules, which he is nice enough to narrate for us, such as “never get involved with anyone outside of work.” For those of you who can’t read between the smoking bullet holes, that means don’t get involved with anyone at any time ever. Because the only people he ever interacts with in person at work are the people that he kills.

That being said, it’s interesting the decision to cast Nicholas Cage in this role. He is known for playing

Hi, you don't know me, and I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner, but would you mind helping me kill four people?

guys who are down on their luck or involved in some kind of criminal scheme but with a heart of gleaming gold. And he does that here, but he also viciously kills a lot of people, which is uncharacteristic for him.

On what he swears is going to be his One Last Job (which is not the only disappointing cliche that Bangkok Dangerous has in common with last week’s Righteous Kill), he is heading to Thailand to carry out four high profile killings in the same location, but for this particular job he needs some assistance, so he approaches a young man who displays the skills needed by cleverly stealing some tourist’s wallet. Reluctantly, the gutter punk accepts, after a bout of obligatory bargaining.

And by the way, I never understand why people in movies react the way they do when offered a job to do some little thing and get paid like $2,000 a day. They’re always raising their eyebrows and doubting and bargaining and squinting their eyes and thinking and hesitating and debating. Personally I would just pick myself up off the floor and ask when I start. Unless I had to kill someone. Then I guess I would ask for more. I mean hesitate. I would hesitate.

Another boring day at the office.

Anyway, through a series of contrived scenes, their tenuous relationship grows miraculously stronger as we watch in confusion as Joe (Cage) systematically breaks all of the rules that he explained to us at the beginning of the movie. At the same time as he is trying to train Kong, his Thai helper, he is also falling desperately in love with a mute Thai woman who works at a local pharmacy.

The girl is cute and has a powerful charm, but watching Cage transform into a babbling schoolboy whenever she’s around sort of takes a little of the conviction away when he tries to look scary later. The Thai love interest is played by Chinese actress Charlie Yeung, who gives a good performance despite the romantic subplot being wildly out of place. The movie halts in its tracks so abruptly and so completely every time she appears that you can almost smell the brakes burning. And you can definitely hear them.

This is the badass piece of machinery that Nicholas Cage uses to race back and forth between the two totally incompatible movies in Bangkok Dangerous.

The other half of the movie is the one about the killings and the Thai sidekick, with Cage quite literally zooming back and forth between the two plots on a cool BMW motorcycle. I’m guessing that the sheer badassedness of these bikes is supposed to be distracting enough so that we don’t wonder why this guy, who’s been in Bangkok for a matter of days, has a whole stable of them at his disposal. Oh, and he also gives one to Kong, who shrugs and offers a half grin when tossed the keys. I love the gratitude!

Similar to Righteous Kill, however, by far the most disappointing thing about the movie is the ending, which doesn’t stop delivering the disappointment when it culminates in a shootout that takes place - you guessed it - in an old abandoned warehouse. I’m at a loss to explain why this scene is still being tacked onto the endings of action movies. This is the 21st century, for god’s sake. Maybe the locations are free to use. Whatever the case may be, such a climax hasn’t been exciting in untold decades. In the last 30 minutes of the movie, I fell asleep literally like half a dozen times.

But wait, there’s more. Remember the astonishing forehead-slapper that closed Babylon A.D.? Well, if you read my review you probably didn’t bother with the movie, but Bangkok Dangerous also comes with a closing shot that comes out of nowhere and goes nowhere, serving no real purpose but to provide a bit of footage that can be run at slow motion and make for a nice fade out before the credits.

Failed movie titles - "An American Cowboy in Thailand."

There are a lot of roles that Nicholas Cage can do really well. He was perfect in The Rock, he inhabited his roles in Adaptation and Matchstick Men, and he even played a good investigator highly disturbed at his subject in 8mm, but here we’re expected to identify with this guy who is having conflictions about being given an assignment to kill a politician who happens to be a good man. It creates a confusing feeling when we’re expected to aspire to the moral high-ground of a contract killer.

But most of all, for all of Cage’s strengths, he just can not do emotions and he can not do romance. Not ever. Remember that movie Next from last year? Holy crap. There was a scene where I thought I was wrong about the romance thing, it was incredible. He says to this woman something like, “The definition of beauty is that all things are arranged in such a way so that nothing needs to be added, changed, or taken away. And that’s you…you’re beautiful.”

That second sentence is a little obvious and redundant, I should think, but still not bad. But then he goes and blows it completely with this stupid magic trick. He woos her with these sweet words, and then he’s like, hey baby, wanna see me pull a magic rose out of my hat?

Dumbass!

In Bangkok Dangerous a good third of the movie is him with this goofy grin on his face, trying to think of something clever to say to this girl that can’t hear him or talk to him, and the rest of the movie he’s trying to get out of the assassination business while reluctantly training a young man to get into it as their relationship grows stronger. What? The numerous narrative directions are crazily inconsistent and incompatible. It commits the age old crime of trying to please too broad of an audience, and will probably end up pleasing no one.

Okay, that’s kind of a goofy title I admit, but with the release of the new horror film Mirrors, I have been moved to put up a few recent movies for those of you who enjoyed it and want to see something similar, or for those of you who don’t want to waste your money at the movies but still want to see something similar. I’m always down to check out a good psychological thriller, so feel free to make any suggestions if you think I missed any…

THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE (2004), R, Crime/Drama/Horror, 119 mins.

Quite possibly the most genuinely scary movie I’ve ever seen. At first glance it seems like a rip-off of The Exorcist, but The Exorcism of Emily Rose is very much its own movie. It’s a courtroom legal thriller about a death resulting from an exorcism, and it would make John Grisham proud. Laura Linney plays the attorney assigned to investigate the man who conducted the exorcism, and we join her as she searches for the truth about what really happened.

It’s an epic battle between science and religion in the courtroom, which I can’t say that I’ve ever seen before. Laura Linney delivers an outstanding performance as the ambitious lawyer, but the real standout is Jennifer Carpenter as Emily Rose. She gives such a brilliant horror performance that they almost don’t need any effects or music. See this one.

THE HAUNTING (1999), Horror/Thriller/Mystery, PG-13, 113 mins.

A remake of the 1963 classic (which in turn in an adaptation of Shirley Jackson’s incredibly eerie 1959 novel “The Haunting of Hill House”), the 1999 version of Jackson’s story features one of the more peculiar premises that I’ve seen in a horror movie. A group of people are brought together and whisked away to a cavernous, allegedly haunted mansion in the middle of the empty woods in order to conduct research about sleeping disorders.

Now, I’m no psychologist, but wouldn’t such a location just introduce all kinds of bizarre variables into the experiment? Soon the experiment turns out to be something other than what they were all told, and ultimately all of the characters find themselves trying to escape for their lives from this haunted mansion.

Starring: Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta Jones, Owen Wilson
Director: Jan de Bont
Written by: David Self, based on the novel by Shirley Jackson

THE HAUNTING (1963), Horror/Thriller, rated G (!!), 112 mins.

Despite a prohibitively tame rating, this is a much creepier film than you might think. They say the original is always better, and this is no exception. Black and white photography allow for more disconnection between yourself and the characters, but somehow make the tense atmosphere more effective. This time, a Dr. Markway is doing research into the existence of ghosts, so he concentrates his investigation on Hill House, which has a frightening history of violence and insanity.

With him are a young skeptic named Luke, a clairvoyant Theodora, and the insecure Eleanor who happesns to have psychic abilities that give her a special ability so sense anything supernatural going on in the mansion. Soon the house begins to manifest itself in horrific and deadly ways…

Starring: Julie Harris, Claire Bloom, Richard Johnson, Russ Tamblyn, Lois Maxwell, Fay Compton
Director: Robert Wise
Written by: Nelson Gidding

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1999), Horror/Thriller, R, 99 mins.

Despite the harder rating, this one wasn’t much better than the fairly disappointing The Haunting, released the same year. This time we are made to wonder what we would do for a million dollars, as an eccentric billionaire offers a group of people a million bucks each to spend the night in a haunted mansion with a murderous past. They walk into the deal confident that it’s all just a made-up story, and they’re not about to fall for it.

The setting of a former mental institution is far cooler than the former department store in Mirrors, and Geoffrey Rush is wonderfully creepy as Stephen Price, who came up with the devilish plan. The opening scene of the movie shows us how he got rich in a wonderfully scary ride on the new amusement park ride that he has just designed.

Before long, the house automatically seals itself shut and the attitudes of the people inside change radically. There is some chillingly effective imagery brought back from past psychological experiments that were conducted in the hospital, but also plenty of disappointing CGI. Also don’t miss the 1959 original, which stars the great Vincent Price in the lead role…

Starring: Geoffrey Rush, Famke Janssen, Peter Gallagher, Taye Diggs, Ali Larter, Chris Kattan, Bridgette Wilson
Director: William Malone
Screenplay: Dick Beebe

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IN DREAMS (1999), Psychological Thriller, R, 100 mins.

One of my favorite horror thrillers of the 1990s, In Dreams tells the story of Claire Cooper, a middle-aged mother who begins suffering from disturbing recurring dreams. She dreams of a little girl in her neighborhood being kidnapped, and then her own daughter in kidnapped shortly thereafter, triggering the beginnings of the unravelling of Claire’s sanity. She becomes convinced that her mind and the kidnapper’s mind are connected, but is unable to convince anyone else. A suicide attempt lands her in a padded cell, where she begins having dreams of her husband’s murder.

Robert Downey Jr., who has arguably the best role in Tropic Thunder, was highly underrated when this movie came out. He was having a lot of problems in his personal life, but he has a scene at the end of the movie involving a mirror that surpasses anything in the recently released Mirrors. I remember shouts of surprise throughout the theater when I saw it in 1999.

In Dreams is not for everyone. It has the rare distinction, I think, that there will be people who loved it, people who hated it, and people who just didn’t understand it, with probably not much in between. Unfortunately, it was much more effective on the big screen than on video, but with a healthy twist of the volume knob, it can be made to have virtually the same effect. Just don’t watch it alone if you live out in the woods!

Starring: Annette Bening, Aidan Quinn, Stephen Rea, Robert Downey Jr., Paul Guilfoyle
Director: Neil Jordan
Written by: Bruce Robinson and Neil Jordan, based on the novel “Doll’s Eyes” by Bari Wood

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HAUNTED (1995), Horror/Thriller/Drama, R, 108 mins.

In turn of the century England, a young boy named David loses his twin sister while playing by a lake. He feels responsible for his sister’s death, but he and his family move to the U.S., where they live for nearly the next quarter century before he returns to English to teach at Cambridge University. He’s now a teacher and an accomplished author who exposes false mediums and spiritualists.

After numerous requests, he accepts an invitation from a Miss Webb to investigate so bizarre goings on in her remote mansion, known as Edbrook, where she claims to be tormented by spirits. The movie stars Aidan Quinn and a young Kate Beckinsale. Low on the gore but surprisingly effective.

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SESSION 9 (2001), Horror/Thriller, R, 100 mins. “Fear is a place.”

Probably my favorite in this whole list, Session 9 is one of my favorite underrated horror movies to recommend (it’s lack of wide success may be attributed to the unfortunate fact that it was released three days after Sept. 11th). It’s sort of a character driven story about an asbestos cleaning crew working on cleaning an old insane asylum. Hardly an original setting, but it cleverly works together the conflicting personal lives of the characters with the increasingly strange and frightening surroundings that they find themselves in. Director Brad Anderson (who also directed Christian Bale in The Machinist), knows how to create and maintain tension, and there are more than a few scenes that will have you cringing in your chair. If you only watch one of these movies, this should be the one.

Starring: David Caruso, Stephen Gevedon, and Paul Guilfoyle
Written by: Brad Anderson and Stephen Gevedon

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MADHOUSE (2004), Horror/Thriller, R 91 mins. “Let the insanity begin.”

How could you go wrong with a byline like that? I saw Madhouse on the same day that I saw Session 9, and while this was definitely the less impressive of the two, it still has an interesting story and good tension, but it is also one of those movies that takes place in a mental hospital that is clearly a movie set. You know the type, everything is dark and wet with a greenish tint, and there are always distant, creepy sounds echoing down the hallways.

Lance Henriksen’s talent is wasted here as the hospital director who appears offended that some rookie psychologist intern would insinuate that his filthy, filthy hospital could use some renovation, and he is promptly brought upstairs to the level 5 ward, which of course is without electricity. Nice.

Fans of the genre are sure to have a good time and it’s an interesting installment in the psychological thriller genre, although not necessarily one of the best.

Starring: Joshua Leonard, Jordan Ladd, Natasha Lyonne, and Lance Henriksen
Director: William Butler
Written by: Willian Butler

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WHISPERING CORRIDORS (2005), Drama/Horror, R, 105 mins.

This Korean horror thriller borrows a lot from the horror films that have been pouring out of Japan lately and, while it doesn’t necessarily cover much new ground, it’s still a pretty entertaining thriller. Interestingly, I found that the best thing about the movie were the performances, some of which were outstanding. Acting prowess is generally not something you look for in horror films.

I expected Whispering Corridors to be scarier than it was, but I was still impressed with the consistently creepy mood that permeated the film.
It’s an interesting film that gives some insight into some of the surprising teaching methods practiced in Korea as well as a fairly interesting story. There’s nothing new about haunted schools, but the mixture of that foundational premise and the Korean schoolyard environment make for a pretty interesting combination.

Written, Directed by, and starring a lot of Korean people with Korean names. Just go watch the movie…

Alexadre Aja, the man behind the intensely creepy 2003 film High Tension and the intensely crappy 2006 remake of The Hills Have Eyes has now brought us something in between. Kiefer Sutherland adds credibility to the otherwise unoriginal horror film Mirrors, about an exiled New York City cop who soon finds himself battling a mysterious force hidden behind every reflective surface that is endangering his sanity, his life, and the lives of his family.

The movie opens with a terrified night watchman running for his life. From what, we don’t know, until he begs forgiveness from a mirror for trying to escape. The mirror cracks angrily in response.

There is a strange force in Mirrors that is able to torment members of the living, or members of the three dimensional, or members of whatever land the mirror-forces are unable to occupy. It is at least an hour and a half into the movie before we learn much of anything about the deadly force that is tormenting Ben Carson (Kiefer Sutherland), and that’s more than a little too long.

Ben Carson has recently been put on mandatory leave from the New York police department after a tragic shooting, and his life is increasingly spiraling out of control. Not the least of his worries is the strange fact that the only job he is able to get is as a night watchman, a caretaker, if you will, of a department store that burned down five years earlier.

I’m a little confused about that whole setup, by the way. The building is standing but is nothing more than a skeleton of its former self, and is clearly beyond repair. What is a nightly caretaker meant to do? Upkeep is obviously unimportant. Are they worried about teenagers or homeless people wandering in? Isn’t that a job that, say, a good fence can do?

It’s definitely the worst job ever, but it’s a great setup for a horror movie. A guy under tremendous pressure is forced to take a job where he has to wander through an enormous, burned building every hour or so in the middle of the night. Personally I would walk off the job and quit as soon as the mirrors showed me on fire, but not Ben Carson. He didn’t start browsing the classifieds even when he learned that his predecessor suffered a mysterious death involving mirrors. This guy has balls of solid rock!

Complicating the matters of Ben’s unraveling professional life is the fact that his wife doesn’t want him coming over to see his kids without calling first, he’s an alcoholic, and his sister, who is providing him with a sofa to sleep on, is a bartender. This guy needed professional help before the mirrors started talking to him! But apparently he doesn’t know that, because even when he becomes the prime suspect in his sister’s grisly death, he doesn’t know better than to go around telling people that

Ben and his wife stare in shock at how obvious this metaphor is.

mirrors are talking to him. Not exactly the best time to go talking crazy, you know? Here’s a sample of his reassuring dialogue, “Amy, I’m not crazy, these mirrors are dangerous!” He then proceeds to take a mirror out in front of her house in broad daylight and shoot it.

The scenes inside the derelict department store are actually pretty effective, but it becomes clear very early on that far too much stock is put into the scares of his nightly walk-throughs and not nearly enough put into developing a real story. There’s a story, of course, it’s just that the movie feels like a lot of Funland Haunted House tours intermixed with an occasional break to explain a few things, and then back to the haunted house.

A good horror movie will either make you fear something that previously seemed harmless (like the dark or hallways or dolls or children or the like), or instill in you the fear or interest that there might be something more going on right under our very noses. Mirrors attempts to do both - to make us fear not only mirrors but all reflective surfaces, which are all dangerous in the movie, and also to suggest that there is a whole other world going on behind those mirrors, that those pesky handprints that won’t wipe off are really someone on the other side with their hand on the glass.

Ben ponders which side of the mirror he's on.

I doubt that the movie will succeed in making many people afraid of mirrors, although it did have a fair amount of good scares and a genuine feeling of tension when it was supposed to. Naysayers will balk at the idea of paying real money to watch Jack Bauer scream at his reflection for two hours, but even though this is basically a strange combination of several previous movies and there’s not much original going on, you could definitely do worse. It’s a major improvement on the horror movies that we’ve seen released in the last ten years or so. I had started to lose faith completely in the entire genre. Mirrors is not going to save the horror genre from being sacrificed to the box office gods, but I’m happy every time I see a scary movie these days that doesn’t star a lot of sorority girls in halter tops and idiot pretty boys.

The movie takes a bizarre turn in the third act when Ben goes in search of a mysterious someone named Esseker, about whom he knows nothing. The only thing he knows is that the mirrors will not let him or his wife and kids live unless he provides this Esseker. His investigation leads him to a super-creepy farmhouse in Pennsylvania where a nice old man is remarkably forthcoming to Ben about past family tragedy. He must have been impressed with Ben, who claimed to be a grad student writing a research paper about schizophrenia.

Amy Carson saves her kids from the forces of evil and looks hot at the same time.

Ben finds a way to win his family’s safety at the same time as we learn what is really going on behind those mirrors. Unfortunately, just as Ben discovers how to save his family, they are at home being tormented by all of the mirrors in the house. The climax of the film is effective enough except that Ben’s crazy hot wife is running around the house in a wet t-shirt barely able to contain her glistening cleavage, which is a little distracting from the action at hand. The good kind of distracting, I guess, but distracting nonetheless.

But for all of it’s weaknesses, as a creepy horror film it’s hard to say that Mirrors isn’t successful. It might even be a pretty good date movie, although there are dozens better that you could watch at home. But the ending, I don’t mind telling you, is better than everything else in the movie, and it’s almost worth going to see it just for the last five minutes. Horror fans, if nothing else, will enjoy picking out the homages…

Oh, and one more thing…

This CAN'T be a coincidence...