Today is Tuesday, March 5, 2013. There is absolutely no other significance to this day.

“But what about Eva Mendes’ birthday?” you might ask.

To which we reply, “Who...?” For there is no such person.

Yes, we are aware that there was once an actress named Eva Mendes, who starred in such films as Hitch and Training Day. But that woman ceased to exist in the fall of 2011… coincidentally, right around the time this dark witch cast an evil spell on American hero Ryan Gosling, forcing him to pretend to love her… even though the truth is he really only loves us.

Do you hear that, Eva? Only us!!!!

Here are 13 reasons we will not be celebrating the birth of this woman who does not exist.